It Pays to be Old/The Old Man (Weekend Jokes)

It Pays to be Old
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

old couple gifHolding hands they walked back to their old school.  It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared where Andy had carved
“I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home.  There, she counted the money: Fifty-thousand dollars! 

 Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”  

Sally said, “Finders keepers.”  

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on the door.

“Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”     Sally said, “No.”  

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”  

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.  

One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning” 

 Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..”

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here.”

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  •  We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  • The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

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The Old Man
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to Church. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful old man2 gifattendance, the Priest went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Priest asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”

The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”

Posted in Jokes | Tagged , , , | 79 Comments

My Blog Review for 2012 from WordPress

I would like to thank all those people that took the time to come over to look at my blog, and a big thank you to everyone who took the time to leave a comment. Without all those wonderful people this blog would not even exist, so Thank You one and all.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank all those people that sent e-mails and comments wondering if I was all right. My last post for 2012 was the 2nd of July, what was going to be a month’s break turned into 5 months, when my 81 year old Dad had to have a heart operation. I was surprised and amazed that people still remembered me after such a long time, and I was truly humbled to know that my blogging friends were worried about me, again Thank You.

We have such a wonderful community here at WordPress, and I feel very privileged to be a part of that community.

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

19,000 people fit into the new Barclays Center to see Jay-Z perform. This blog was viewed about 100,000 times in 2012. If it were a concert at the Barclays Center, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Top Posts for 2012:- The first 3 top posts were written in 2011

Where did the people come from?
185 countries in all!
Most visitors came from The United States. Australia & The United Kingdom were not far behind.

5 Most active commenters:-

  aFrankAngle  179 comments
  Lady Marillyn Kay Dennis 151 comments
  Laurie Buchanan 129 comments
  El Guapo 124 comments
  Selma  113 comments

Click here to see the complete report.

My stats for the 1st day of 2013

stats
                                            Click the above for a larger view.


Akismet does a good job picking up all the spam, it’s amazing how much we get.

A look at my last review:- My Blog Review for 2011

Posted in Fun | Tagged , , , | 71 Comments

Sydney New Years Eve Fireworks 2013 (Pictures/Video)

People were arriving early in different parts around Sydney Harbour to see the fireworks to try and get the best vantage points. There were long line ups around Mrs Macquarie’s Point; (east of the Sydney Opera House) even though there is room there for around 17,000 people, the crowds starting lining up 14 hours before the fireworks were to begin.

                                             Photo from the picture gallery

Not a boring wait though there were plane Aerobatics, boats of all sizes and shapes entering the harbour, plenty of buskers around.

                                            Photo from the picture gallery

                                                Photo from the picture gallery

Crowds fill Sydney Harbour’s shore line early to get the best position for the New Year’s Eve fireworks. Picture: Anthony Reginato Source: The Daily Telegraph

As you can see the weather in Sydney was perfect all day and also for the big fireworks display, it must have been a fantastic night there for those that were lucky enough to have been able to go.

More Pre-New Years photos as well as photos of the fireworks
embrace picture gallery

Other posts you may like to look at from my blog:

Posted in Australia, Entertainment | Tagged , , , | 139 Comments

Mouse Agility (Video)

I’m sure most people have seen or heard about dog agility, well this little mouse does exactly the same, goes over the jumps, through hoops etc. Just an amazing little mouse.

Footnote: This will be my last post for about a month, time for a bit of a break from the blogosphere. We have visitors arriving soon to stay with us for awhile as well, so I thought now is a good a time as any to have a break.  :D

 

Other posts you may like from my blog:

Posted in Animals, Fun | Tagged , | 180 Comments

Girl or Money/Driving/Golf Clubs (Weekend Jokes)

 The Girl or the Money?

Once there was a billionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool at the back of his mansion. The billionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.  

One day, the billionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.  

The billionaire was impressed. He said, “That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?” The guy catches his breath, then says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the (insert word) who pushed me in the pool!”

  • What happened to the fishing boat that sank in piranha fish infested waters? It came back with a skeleton crew.
  • When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • You’re showered with knowledge if you know that tomato is a fruit. You’re showered with wisdom when you don’t add it in the fruit salad.

Who’s Driving?

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to his old man.

“Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years.”

 Golf Clubs

There was a businesswoman who just made an extra 3 Billion dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.  

The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.  

A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.   “So far I have bought you 3 Golf Clubs. I hope you aren’t disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.”

Posted in Jokes | Tagged , , , | 85 Comments

New World Record: Golf Shot Caught by a Moving Car (Video)

These guys are incredible, even if you are not into golf, I am sure you will enjoy watching this. :)

From You Tube:
Watch Formula 1™ legend David Coulthard and pro-golfer Jake Shepherd set a new world record – farthest golf shot caught in a moving car – with the help of the Mercedes–Benz SLS AMG Roadster. The car caught the ball 275 metres away from the tee.

The video below is a behind the scenes look at how they managed to achieve this, the stunt was verified by Guinness World Records.

Other posts you may like from my blog:

Posted in Fun | Tagged , , | 57 Comments

Blobfish: Australia (Video)

The blobfish is found only in very deep waters around mainland Australia as well as Tasmania, it is a fish that you would not normally see because of the deaths that it lives at. They are usually caught in nets that are bottom trawling and the blobfish accidently get caught. There are scientists that believe the blobfish is a threatened species because of the bottom trawling, but there really is no way of telling, the Australian Museum does not think they are endangered.

Blogfish that has been out of the water for a period of time

The blobfish live at depths between 600 to 1,200 meters or 2,000 to 3,900 feet, the pressure of the water at this depth has an extreme amount of pressure. The flesh of the blobfish is primarily a gelatinous mass with a density slightly less than water, so this does allow the fish to float just above the sea floor without expending energy on swimming. The blobfish lack muscle so it feeds on food that floats in front of it, usually invertebrates like crab. Yes this fish is very lazy

Mr. Blobby” has a facebook page which was started by the Austrlian Museum if anyone is interested.

Also there is a great video from the Australian Museum that goes for just over 3 minutes, explaining how Mr. Blobby was caught, and how the blobfish changes once it is out of the water. The blobfish in the first photo above is the fish out of water for a period of time, when they are in the water they look totally different.

This is the best video I could find on the blobfish, most as you can imagine have been made into comedies.

 

You may also like these posts from my blog:

Posted in Australia, Fish | Tagged | 86 Comments

Harry the Famous Pygmy Hippo has Died. (Video)

Harry the baby pygmy hippo who’s videos and pictures went viral on the internet in March 2012 has unfortunately passed away. A little bit of info on the pygmy hippos:

The pygmy hippos were introduced to zoos in the early 20th century, and they do bred very well in captivity. The survival of this species in captivity is more assured than in the wild. The World Conservation Union estimates there may be fewer than 3.000 pygmy hippos remaining in the wild. The main reason for this is loss of habitat, and poaching.

They are native to Western Africa, also very small populations in Sierra Leone, Guinea and the Ivory Coast. An adult pygmy hippo stands about 75 to 83 cm or 30 to 32 inches high, they are 150 to 177 cm or 59 to 70 inches in length, and they only weigh 180 to 275 kilograms or 400 to 600 pounds. Their lifespan in captivity ranges from 35 to 55 years, lifespan in the wild is unknown but it is thought they do live as long.

If you would like to know more about the Pygmy Hippo, Wikipedia have an excellent article.

Strong bond: Final picture of Harry with devoted carer Toni Inggs who was like a mother to the little hippo (photo via mail online link below)

Harry the baby pygmy hippo who is featured in both videos below, unfortunately has died. He had to have an operation for a hernia, and after the operation he went into heart failure and passed away. Very sad news. I hope you will still enjoy the videos, he was so very cute. You can read about Harrys passing in Mail Online. There are some beautiful photos in the article, they are large photos, so it does take a bit to load if you have a slow connection.

Both videos below are of Harry the pygmy hippo, and he was born on the 22nd of March 2012. Passed away in May 2012

Posted in Animals | Tagged , | 75 Comments

How To Get a Giraffe Out of a Pool (Video)

Lucy, a giraffe on the set of TV show “Wild at Heart”, has fallen into a swimming pool, forcing rescue workers to demolish the pool in order to free her.
Report by Sophie Foster.

Posted in Animals | Tagged , | 89 Comments

Assassin/Value/Kidding (Weekend Jokes)

Assassins

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.

So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go.

Noon comes, no dictator… 10 minutes longer… no dictator.

One assassin turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”

Value

A motorist driving by a ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.   The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.  

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher.   “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”  

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.   “Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now.”

 No Kidding

 Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Posted in Jokes | Tagged , , , | 72 Comments