New Years Eve (Jokes)

 A Dream
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’

‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package.  Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.

The Dinner Party
A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at his home on New Years Eve and planned to serve his guests’ favourite food, steak, as the main course.

While the guests were eating their appetizers, the cook came to the host and whispered, “Please come urgently to the kitchen.”

The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while he had stepped out for a quick cigarette, the host’s dog had climbed up on the table and eaten a few chunks out of some steaks. The host said, “Just fill the holes with some meat and turn the other sides up–nobody will notice.”

The steaks were served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again summoned to the kitchen. The cook, looking quite upset, told the host that the dog had died.

The host frantically rushed back to the dinner party and apologized fervently before announcing, “Something was wrong with the steak and everyone must have their stomachs pumped immediately at the hospital.”

The guests all headed there, endured the painful procedure, and returned to the house. The host then went and asked the cook, “Where is the dog?”

“Oh,” said the chef, “The dog is still down by the road where the car hit it.”

• When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year,
  I gave up thinking.
• Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New
  Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
  - Bill Vaughan
• The End of the year is Nigh.
  That means more soon-to-be obsolete techno junk is coming your way.
• Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.
• Every year millions of people want a New Year’s Eve they’ll never forget. Then they drink so much they can’t remember it.

New Year Toasts

• Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.
• May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
• In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, but never in want.
  ~ Traditional Irish toast
• The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
  ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
• Raise your glass. Let the old year pass.
  Just don’t drink so much you fall on you’re a–.
• May we live to learn well, and learn to live well.
  May you live as long as you want,
  and never want as long as you live.

A New Year Prayer for the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

New Years Eve
It was early New Years Eve when my new wife announced she was not well, and we would have to put off our plans for the evening.  Later in the day after we had rang everyone and explained why we couldn’t make the party, I was invited out for a night with “the boys.” I told my new bride that I would be home by midnight … promise!

Well, one tall tale led to another while everyone bought me drinks. Before I knew it, it was almost 3:00 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, I took a cab home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness — even when smashed — to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning, the misses asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o’clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said “Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said ‘dang it,’ cuckooed another 4 times, belched, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and then giggled.”

About these ads