St. Patrick’s Day (Weekend Jokes)

An Irish Bank Robber

It’s Saint Patrick’s day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face.

The Robber Shoots the Guy Without Hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?’ screams the robber.

There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, ‘I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.’

Digging a Hole

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

‘Tell me, ‘said the passer-by, ‘What on earth are you doing?’

‘Well, ‘said the digger, ‘Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Paddy fills in the hole.

Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn’t mean Paddy and I have to take the day off, does it?’

Paddy

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
“What’s wrong, Seamus?” Paddy asked.

“Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus.

“Ah, praise the Almighty!” Paddy replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”

  • ‘I’d like some nails,’ Mick requested of the ravelling tinker.
    ‘How long would you like them?’ asked the man.
    ‘Forever, if that’s all right with you,’ said Mick.
  • ‘I’m the unluckiest person in the whole world,’ moaned Betty McGrath.
    ‘I bought a non-stick pan and can’t get the label off.’
  • What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
    A sham rock.
  • A lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever I ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
    “Who told you that?” asked Paddy.
  • Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.”
    “Oh my!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”

 

Ducks

On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his back
‘What’s in the bag?’ asked Paddy
‘I’m not going to tell’, replied Murphy

‘Go on, do.’ pleaded Paddy.
‘Ah, all right then, it’s ducks.’ announced Murphy

‘If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?’ enquired Paddy
‘Look’, said Murphy, ‘If you guess the correct number, I’ll give you both of them.’

‘Five!’ said Paddy triumphantly.

The Well

Murphy and O’Brien go out into the woods, they came to a clearing and see an abandoned well.

Murphy said ‘I wonder how deep that well is?’
O’Brien said, ‘There’s one way we could figure it out’.

Murphy says, ‘What’s that?’
O’Brien says, ‘We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we’ve got the depth of the well’.

Murphy says, ‘ What are you going to drop down it?’  Then O’Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground.  Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, ‘One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three ……………….. ‘

~SPLASH!!!!

Murphy said, ‘Three seconds!’
O’Brien said, ‘Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!’
‘288 feet!’, Murphy said. ‘Subtract a little for wind resistance, let’s say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep’.

As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, ‘LOOK OUT!!’ and he pushed O’Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well.
Murphy said, ‘My God, I’ve never seen anything like that’.

Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, ‘What’s going on here boys?’
O’Brien says, ‘We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.’

The farmer says, ‘Thank heaven it wasn’t one of my goats.’
Murphy says, ‘How do you know it wasn’t?’
And the farmer says, ‘Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.’

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71 Responses to St. Patrick’s Day (Weekend Jokes)

  1. niasunset says:

    Thank you dear Mags, they were funny. Happy St.Patricks Day, with my love, nia

  2. LOL! They’re all funny, but the first one is my favorite. A perfect commentary on the state of marriage. ha!

  3. starlaschat says:

    Oh………….the poor goat! Lots of funny Jokes just in time for Saint Paddy’s Day. :+) Hope you have a fun weekend.

  4. travelrat says:

    True story … at least, my grandfather swore it was …

    He had a Irish farm-hand working for him, and for two days, he was working with a horse and cart on muck-spreading. When he’d manured all the fields, Grand-dad told him to load up the cart one more time, and take a load of manure to a gardener friend on the other side of the village.

    At that time, all horse drawn vehicles had to carry a plate, with the owner’s name and address on it … which, after two day’s muck-spreading, was covered in ‘dark brown stuff’, On the way back, he got stopped by an over-officious policeman, who told him:

    ‘Your name’s obliterated!’

    To which he replied:

    ‘No it isn’t! It’s Flanagan!’

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi travelrat,
      I pictured that as I was reading it, and the end still was a surprise. I have no doubt, it is a very true story, and very funny as well. :D
      Have a great weekend.

  5. Great way to start St. Patrick’s Day weekend — thank you!

  6. El Guapo says:

    Another funny set, Magsx2!
    I’m going to try and tell these over the weekend, but I doubt I’ll be sober enough to remember them!

  7. Great jokes, thank you for sharing :)

  8. Elyse says:

    Perfect, Mags! I didn’t know any of these!

  9. Windsmoke. says:

    There’s nothing like taking the hiss out of the poor Irish its been happening for years. The last one made me laugh big time and gets my vote :-).

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Windsmoke,
      So true, they definitely cop it even more so I feel on this special occasion. Glad you had a laugh at “The Well” joke. :D
      Have a great weekend.

  10. Hilarious, as always! Thanks for the laughs!

  11. malc50 says:

    All good Mags, with ‘I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.’ the pick of them. Have a good weekend, cheers, Mal.

  12. Tony McGurk says:

    The 1st one & the duck one really cracked me up. But the last one has me in tears Thanks for a morning laugh to start my Saturday with

  13. The Emu says:

    Excellent collection, particularly like the bank robber
    Cheers
    Emu

  14. Lenore Diane says:

    Hello Mags! Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you in Oz.

  15. dearrosie says:

    My word Mags how on earth do you find so many jokes each week? Happy St Paddy’s day

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi dearrosie,
      It is not easy, but there is not a better way to start off a weekend. :D
      Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you as well, and have a great weekend.

  16. I’d already heard the last one, but it didn’t matter because I was laughing so much at all of the others, that I just kept right on with that one too.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Lady Marilyn,
      That is great that you had a laugh, yes a couple of the jokes are oldish, so I’m glad there was only the one you had heard before, it’s great that you were still laughing when you read it. :D
      Have a great weekend.

  17. jakesprinter says:

    Excellent post again Mags Thumb ups :)

  18. Thanks for the weekend jokes – now I can start my working day with a grin! Wishing you a great weekend.

  19. dfb says:

    Hilarious! Great post, perhaps you could do something similar for England’s Saint George’s Day (also Shakespeare’s birth and death day) on April 23??? :)

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi dfb,
      I’m glad you had a good laugh. :D
      I haven’t heard of England’s St. George’s Day, of course I know of Shakespeare but didn’t know it was celebrated, I will have to think about that one, thanks for the tip. :D

  20. tempo says:

    Great jokes Mags, there were a few there I’d never heard…and thats not bad for someone as old as me..

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi tempo,
      That’s is good news, I’m glad there was a couple of jokes you have never heard, it means you had a bit of laugh. :D
      Enjoy your weekend.

  21. Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Mags! Hope you enjoy your weekend. I plan on enjoying a Guinness or two…

  22. Rebekah says:

    Ohhh my … they were all marvellous jokes *still laughing*

    Had a *LOL* also at the name that was Obliterated! :lol:

  23. aFrankAngle says:

    Happy St Patrick’s Day Mags. I’m sure celebrations are rolling along in OZ with only a few hours officially left in the day. Thanks for starting my day with laughs. The bank robber on trial and the 2 diggers my favs.

  24. Colline says:

    Some good laughs here :D

  25. Indira says:

    Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you. Doing a very good job by sharing Friday jokes. Thanks.

  26. sporepigfish says:

    Happy Gnome’s Day! (That is how I refer to the St. Patrick’s Day)
    Thanks for the jokes. They are funny!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi sporepigfish,
      It is always good to a have a laugh at the start of a weekend. :D
      Happy “Gnome’s Day” to you as well, have a great weekend.

  27. susielindau says:

    Thanks for the fun!
    Happy St. Patty’s Day to you!

  28. Lynn says:

    a 10 for the first one!!

  29. Funnies for a super fun weekend. Aren’t we glad we get to celebrate two days running?

  30. Fergiemoto says:

    Thanks for the laughs!!!

  31. Linda Vernon says:

    Praise the almighty! I thought I’d gone deaf! hahahahahha!

  32. E.C. says:

    Happy Late St Patrick’s Day! I hope your day was full of sunshine and good fortune! :)

  33. Little late here… I hope you had a great St Patrick’s Day, Mags! I like the one about Paddy’s wife falling out of the car… “Ah, praise the Almighty!” Paddy replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!” Sounds like something that could happen to Tim & me in the not-so-distant future… :)

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