Assassin/Value/Kidding (Weekend Jokes)

Assassins

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.

So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go.

Noon comes, no dictator… 10 minutes longer… no dictator.

One assassin turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”

Value

A motorist driving by a ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.   The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.  

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher.   “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”  

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.   “Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now.”

 No Kidding

 Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

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72 Responses to Assassin/Value/Kidding (Weekend Jokes)

  1. adinparadise says:

    Hehehe. I liked these. Have a great weekend. ;)

  2. starlaschat says:

    That was fun “You started it.” funny. :+) Also I like post dated check one. Have a great weekend Mags. See ya Monday.

  3. Andrew says:

    Such caring assassins.

  4. mj monaghan says:

    Since I’m in the middle of a job search, I’m loving the job interview joke. :)
    I’ll take that company Corvette, BTW!

  5. zannyro says:

    I want to thank you for these great jokes…for years, my husband would come home from work with jokes to share with me…I never had any…now I can hardly wait to share these with him.!!
    Thanks SO much!!

  6. Once again you have sent us of chuckling to ourselves. People are starting to look at me a little strangely. Thanks again.

  7. “Yea, but you started it!”

    I love it!

  8. Cute ones, Mags. Have a nice weekend.

  9. Windsmoke. says:

    Don’t we all wish we could be offered an employment package like the engineer was, even though in the real world it wouldn’t happen :-).

  10. viveka says:

    Brilliant all 3 – but the first one …. my favorite – a big smile and a laughter before bedtime, didn’t hurt at all. Have a great weekend.

  11. Funny stuff Mags. Hope you have a great weekend!

  12. I hope you had as good a laugh as I did when I read those jokes today. Have a great weekend.

  13. malc50 says:

    Thanks Mags for starting the weekend with a smile. Cheers, Mal.

  14. ~mimo~ says:

    so funny. Thank you for these. I love the dictator one best :)

  15. Mags – as an ex-HR chick, I am very familiar with that last one. Did like the ‘value’… :-)

    Have a great weekend

  16. :lol: :lol: :lol:
    hey is the dictator ok..
    hilarious .the motorist one was too good :)

  17. hotlyspiced says:

    I love the one about the post-dated cheque! xx

  18. Always look forward and enjoy your weekend laughs mate
    Cheers
    Ian

  19. Indira says:

    Hi mags, waiting for your jokes,enjoyed . Have a nice weekend.

  20. Madhu says:

    Cute assassins :lol:

  21. aFrankAngle says:

    Late arriving today … actually Saturday afternoon for me …. and you are probably in slumberland. Thank for the chuckles … last one my fav.

  22. El Guapo says:

    And now my weekend is properly begun.
    Hilarious as always, and thanks Magsx2!

  23. dearrosie says:

    Always appreciate your end of week joke post. It’s impressive how you can make us laugh week after week!

  24. timkeen40 says:

    I liked the MIT one. Very funny. Keep them laughing.

    Tim

  25. robincoyle says:

    How sweet of the assassins to be concerned. Thoughtful killers.

  26. I love the joke about value–it reminded me of an old folk tale called The Stolen Smell.”

  27. I love it! I love the joke . Thanks , you’ve embellished this morning :) Have nice day!

  28. Post dated check for 6 years and a job to good to be true. Thanks for making me laugh. Funny jokes which I bet still happens in real life. Have a great weekend.

  29. So funny! Thanks for sharing!

  30. Asifa Zunaidha says:

    very funny~loved the assassins one… wish u a happy week ahead :-)

  31. Selma says:

    Too funny. Thanks for the giggles. Hope you had a great weekend :mrgreen:

  32. reb says:

    Teehee … ‘are you kidding?’ :D

  33. Great jokes. The two assassins one reminds me of the fantastic play “Dumbwaiter” by Harold Pinter. I save your jokes for the beginning of the week – I need them then.

  34. raisingdaisy says:

    Hahaha These were great! Just the chuckle I needed! :D

  35. Hahaha! Love the wages one – thanx for a great laugh!!! As usual …

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