Girl or Money/Driving/Golf Clubs (Weekend Jokes)

 The Girl or the Money?

Once there was a billionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool at the back of his mansion. The billionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.  

One day, the billionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.  

The billionaire was impressed. He said, “That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?” The guy catches his breath, then says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the (insert word) who pushed me in the pool!”

  • What happened to the fishing boat that sank in piranha fish infested waters? It came back with a skeleton crew.
  • When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • You’re showered with knowledge if you know that tomato is a fruit. You’re showered with wisdom when you don’t add it in the fruit salad.

Who’s Driving?

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to his old man.

“Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years.”

 Golf Clubs

There was a businesswoman who just made an extra 3 Billion dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.  

The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.  

A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.   “So far I have bought you 3 Golf Clubs. I hope you aren’t disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.”

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85 Responses to Girl or Money/Driving/Golf Clubs (Weekend Jokes)

  1. aFrankAngle says:

    Being pushed into the pool surprised me! There’s the tomatoes we discussed earlier. ;) … But isn’t a tomato also a vegetable? that is nutritionally speaking (as opposed to biologically speaking). Happy Saturday Morning Mags from a very hot and steamy mid-afternoon on Friday. Which also means your Saturday morning classic cartoon will wait until Saturday night. Have a good weekend.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Frank,
      Good to hear you didn’t guess the ending in the pool, I had to keep the tomato one short for an impact. :D
      It is still dark outside here, being Winter the sun of course rises a bit later, the rain seems to have stopped, a good sign. Have a great weekend.

  2. El Guapo says:

    Thanks Magsx2! Laughing at my desk right now. Liked the last one the most.
    Have a great weekend, and thanks for starting mine right!

  3. Always a great send-off for the weekend. Thanks Mags.

  4. Thanks for the laughs, Mags. I like the last one and I had a good chuckle over how to tell a weed from a valuable plant. That’s one only a gardner could love!
    Have a great weekend!

  5. robincoyle says:

    As a gardener, the weed joke is perfect!

  6. viveka says:

    Brilliant all of them … but I would love golf clubs with swimming pool *smile

  7. Haha the poor guy who got pushed in the water! That was a great twist to the ending :) good way to bring in the weekend with a good laugh! Thanks Mags :)
    Adri

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Adri,
      It is always a good way to start the weekend with a bit of a laugh. I’m glad you enjoyed the joke. :D
      Have a great weekend.

  8. Windsmoke. says:

    Bonza jokes, i especially like the girl or the money and golf clubs :-).

  9. Magsx2 – Thank you for a lighthearted start to the weekend. I liked “Golf Clubs” best :)

  10. malc50 says:

    “I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years.” Like it, Mags! Enjoy your weekend. It’s a long weekend for the Townsville Show, with Monday a Public Show Holiday. Cheers, Mal.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Mal,
      I’m glad you enjoyed the joke, it really is standard I think for kids to keep kicking the back of a chair, they do at the movies as well. :lol:
      That’s great that you have a long weekend, I hope you enjoy the time. :D

  11. Bruce says:

    Hi, my favourites are the crocodile pool and kicking the seats while driving. Bruce

  12. dearrosie says:

    My favourites are “the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it” and the tomato one….
    perhaps because I just spent the afternoon in the garden.

  13. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    I LOVE VISITING YOU EACH SATURDAY MORNING! I really do :) You actually have become part of my Saturday habit because you ALWAYS give me smile.

    I sear I don’t know where you get all the jokes!!! Love this.

  14. Loved these jokes Mags! I always look forward to them every Friday!
    Have a great weekend!

  15. bulldogsturf says:

    Love the jokes, I can imagine what the insert word is in the pool joke…..

  16. Another great collection of jokes.

  17. The Emu says:

    You have given me a habit now in that I always look for your jokes on a weekend, always a pleasure and a great start to my weekend
    Cheers and thanks
    Emu

  18. lol lovely jokes Mags i wait every friday for the weekend jokes

  19. adinparadise says:

    LOL @ the “Golf Clubs.” Lucky woman. Thanks so much for the Saturday smiles. ;)

  20. jakesprinter says:

    Great work Mags , You Run the day again ,:) :) :)

  21. I woke up a bit sleepy. Coffe didn’t do much but now I’m more awake after having a great laugh. Thanks for sharing a post that makes us smile and more.

  22. You’re great. I don’t receive good old fashioned jokes from ANYONE else! =D

  23. Gilly Gee says:

    Hilarious, I love the way you cheer everyone up!

  24. Madhu says:

    Hilarious! Shall keep that weeding tip in mind :-)

  25. Hotly Spiced says:

    I love the one about kicking the back of the seat. What is with that? All kids seem to do it. And it’s so annoying. Even worse on a long-haul economy flight! xx

  26. I almost spilled my coffee laughing, “The guy catches his breath, then says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the (insert word) who pushed me in the pool!” I could have been that guy!!! Thanks…not for the push but for this awesome, funny post! Ha, ha, ha!

  27. BoJo Photo says:

    Hey Margaret, did you push that chap in? :)

    I love the gold clubs joke.

    The kicking dad is great too! :)

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi BoJo Photo
      Of course I pushed him in, no fun waiting to see if anyone was going to take the challenge. :lol:
      I’m glad you enjoyed the jokes. :)

  28. globalunison says:

    Hi Mag,
    Thank you for the laughter!
    Bless you,
    -Naima.

  29. Randel says:

    Love the alligator and car driver jokes. Nice way to start he blogging today.

  30. Randel says:

    Woops misspelled the as he above. Sorry.

  31. As always, I am laughing too hard to comment, – much!
    Scott

  32. You know though, I was thinking…the guy with the alligators should have taken the million and hired someone to find the one who pushed him!

  33. Fergiemoto says:

    Great laughs again! As far as the guy who got pushed into the pool, why not at least take the million dollars anyway!

  34. Selma says:

    You’ve done it again, Mags. Best jokes ever *chortle*

  35. Indira says:

    Hi mags,LOL as always,one liner are very funny. Thanks for sharing.

  36. Hi Magsx2 – someone pushing him in the pool is an absolute corker.

  37. Asifa Zunaidha says:

    Hi Maggie
    How are u… No weekend joke…Hope everything is fine..take care :-)

  38. munchow says:

    As always you have collected a series of great jokes and tales. My favourite is definitely the “Who is driving”, mainly, I believe, because I can so related to it.

  39. Love the alligator joke, magsx2!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi AA,
      Glad you enjoyed the jokes. :D
      I won’t be back blogging till the New Year, I have been looking after my Dad who had a triple by-pass operation, he is 81, he is doing great after the op, I have for the moment moved in to his place until he has fully recovered and can go back to living on his own. My husband has been a fantastic help through it all, anyway hopefully back to blogging soon, I have missed everyone.

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