Three couples wanted to join their local church. An elderly couple in their eighties, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple.
At the meeting with the vicar they were told that they would only be allowed to join if they could abstain from sex for four weeks. They were to come back after that time and report.
Four weeks later they all met with the vicar and were asked how they had faired.
The elderly couple said that they had had no problem whatsoever. The middle aged couple said that the first three weeks were fine but the last week was a struggle, but they just managed it. The vicar congratulated them and welcomed them into the church.
He then turned to the newlyweds. “And how did you go on,” he asked.
“Well,” said the husband, “the first two weeks were not too bad, the third week was very difficult, but the fourth week was impossible. It was okay until we decided to do some decorating. My wife reached up to a high shelf for a tin of paint and dropped it. As she bent over to pick it up I was overcome with lust and we had sex there and then.”
“You realise that because of your actions you won’t be welcome in this church?” said the vicar.
“We won’t be welcome back into the paint shop either,” replied the wife.
A man has tickets for the Euro final. After he has been sitting in his seat for a few minutes, the man in the seat behind him taps him on the shoulder and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
“No,” he says. “The seat is empty.”
“Absolutely incredible!” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Euro Final, one of the great sporting events, and not use it?”
“Well actually,” he says, “the seat belonged to my wife. She was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Euro final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” replies the man. “That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else to take the seat? A friend or relative, or even a neighbour?”
The man shakes his head and says, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”