Happy New Year (Weekend Jokes)

I’d like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a Happy New Year, and I hope everyone has a great 2011. Everyone enjoy there New Years Eve, but above all else stay safe.

I hope you all get a bit of a laugh out of the jokes below.

A New Year’s Wish

On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death.

A Lecture

On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.

‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.

The Homeless Woman

A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago” the homeless woman replied.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done In 20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.”

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”


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7 Responses to Happy New Year (Weekend Jokes)

  1. malc50 says:

    I hope 2011 is all you want it to be, magsx2. Happy New Year!

  2. Happy New Year for you and yours, Magsx2. Just a little request. Could you send some of your floods over here, please?

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi archiearchive FCD,
      Yes all the best for 2011, and I’m sure all those people that are stuck in the middle of the floods would love to send all that water over your way.

  3. Pingback: Sydney New Years Eve Fireworks 2013 (Pictures/Video) | Magsx2's Blog

  4. Good jokes, Mags! Hope you have a great 2013! You feel like family – we’ve been hangin’ around here for a while.

    Wow! How about those Sydney fireworks? The firemen must all be apoplectic with watchfulness! It would be indescribable being there amongst all that energy and sound!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Amy,
      Very nice to hear from you again, and I know you will have a great New Year. 🙂
      They are great to watch the Sydney fireworks, and oh yes there are plenty of watchful eyes around to make sure everything goes according to plan.

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