Eyesight/Advice/Shoes (Weekend Jokes)

Good Eyesight.

Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, “My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?”.The second guy says, “Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit.”So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, “Did you see it?”.”Sure!”, says his buddy.”Where did it go?”, the first guy asks. The second old man thinks for a minute and says, “I can’t remember.”

The Minister’s Advice

As part of their ministry, the church decided to run a daily soup kitchen. Not surprisingly, the free food was very popular with the homeless people in the area. However this gift did come with a small catch – first you had to listen to a sermon.

Every day the rows of pews would be filled with derelicts, bums, and plenty of people down on their luck. One afternoon, the minister decided it was time again to lecture on the evils of alcohol. In order to get their attention, the minister began the service by putting up two glasses. One he filled with water. The other he filled with gin.

Then he pulled out a worm and dropped it in the water. The worm swam happily around in the glass of water until the minister pulled it back out. As the worm wriggled in his fingers, the minister proclaimed with certainty that the worm loved the water and that the water was safe for the worm.

Then the minister dropped the worm in the gin. Almost instantly the worm died and its ravaged body began to disappear in the toxic element.

The minister let out a satisfied cry of delight. “Do you see what evils this alcohol has done!? What does this experiment prove?”

A wino in the back of the room spoke up. “Reverend, it proves if you drink alcohol, you’ll never get worms!  Can we eat now?”

Alligator Shoes

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes man, I’ll go and kill my own “croc!,” to which the shopkeeper replied, “by all means, just watch out for those two “ole boys” who are doing the same!”.

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. ‘They must be the ‘ole boys’ he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.

Just as the beast was about to grap him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several were already laying.

 Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed “Darn! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”.

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4 Responses to Eyesight/Advice/Shoes (Weekend Jokes)

  1. malc50 says:

    🙂 Good morning, magsx2!

  2. travelrat says:

    Someone stole the Verger’s bicycle. He told the Vicar, who said:

    ‘Don’t worry! On Sunday, I will preach a sermon about the Ten Commandments. When I get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’, you have a look around the congregation, and see who looks guilty’

    After the service, the Vicar asked if it worked.

    ‘Oh, yes!’ said the Verger. ‘You just got as far as ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ when I remembered where I left it!’

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