Old Man/Honorable Lies (Weekend Jokes)

An old man

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared at him.

The young man said sarcastically,” what’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.”
I was just wondering if you are my son.”

Honorable Lies

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, “No.”
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter’s wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.
“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. “You cheat! That is an untruth!”
The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said ‘no’ to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say ‘no’ to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say ‘yes,’ and then all three will be given to me.
But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that’s why I said yes this time.”

The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honorable and useful reason.


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8 Responses to Old Man/Honorable Lies (Weekend Jokes)

  1. gregoryno6 says:

    Very good, both of them. Especially that ‘wonder if you’re my son.’

  2. malc50 says:

    🙂 Cheers Mags.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Mal,
      Good to hear from you again. I gather they have still got you working hard, hope your relaxing a bit this weekend.

      • malc50 says:

        Hi Mags, Working seven days a week, trying to keep up with the marking of assignments (106 students in one subject, with an assignment due every second week). At least one lot are off to do a bit of prac-teaching for a few weeks, and I’ll have 2pm to 5pm Thursdays free until they return. I’m loving semi-retirement! Cheers, Mal.

        • magsx2 says:

          Hi Mal,
          Wow, their not giving you much time for relaxing at all, Semi-retirement? I think you may have lost your semi-retirement status. 🙂
          A whole 3 hrs free, on Thursdays, what on earth are you going to do with all that time, the mind boggles. ❓

  3. travelrat says:

    Honourable lies?

    Things got out of hand on Hallow E’en, and, at one house, the outside dunny got thrown into the river. The owner was irate.

    ‘I cannot tell a lie, Father’ said his eldest son. ‘It was I who pushed the khasi into the river!’

    So, Dad took off his belt, and gave the son the lashing of his life.

    ‘That’s not fair!’ whimpered the lad. ‘George Washington told the truth, when he chopped down the cherry tree, and he didn’t get beaten.’

    ‘Maybe!’ said Dad ‘But, George’s father wasn’t up the cherry tree at the time!’

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