Still Driving/Car Chase (Weekend Jokes)


Still Driving

A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems at the Day Centre coffee morning.

‘Do you realise,’ said one, ‘My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.’

‘Yes, I know.’ replied the second, ‘My cataracts are so bad I can’t see to pour the coffee.’

‘I can’t turn my head,’ rejoined the third, ‘because of the arthritis in my neck.’

‘My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,’ commented the fourth, adding, ‘I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old.’

‘Well, it’s not all bad.’ piped up the first, ‘We should be thankful that we can still drive.’

  • Sign in a car dealership office: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
  • A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light.
  • Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? (from Mork and Mindy)

 

Car Chase
A man in a Jaguar passed a Mini that had broken down by the side of the road. Being a kindly driver, he stopped and fixed a tow-rope to it and began towing it to the nearest garage.

After 10 minutes of towing, a Porsche passed them at high speed. The Jaguar driver was not going to be outdone by a Porsche, so, forgetting that he had a Mini in tow, slammed his foot down and the Jaguar and Porsche indulged in a high-speed race down the road, the Mini and it’s occupant trailing wildly about at the end of the rope frantically trying to attract their attention and failing.

A Police car saw them and gave chase. The Police driver radioed back to Headquarters “Sarge, you’ll never believe this, I’ve just seen a Porsche and a Jaguar neck and neck doing 150 mph – and a bloke in a Mini flashing his lights, blowing his horn and trying to overtake them!”

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35 Responses to Still Driving/Car Chase (Weekend Jokes)

  1. El Guapo says:

    Good jokes. the Like is for the Mork and Mindy reference!

  2. Texasjune says:

    Ouch! On bad days, that’s too close for comfort! I don’t want to resemble that!
    However, I’ll take the Porsche! Had one a long time ago – sold it when I needed room for baby stuff! If it were today, I couldn’t afford either one. 🙂

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Texasjune,
      A Porche that would be nice. 🙂

      • I remember being in a Porsche a few times in the 1960s. I didn’t know that it was a Porsche until a starry-eyed female pointed it out to me. (Some ladies of my acquaintance tended to date cars and just took the car’s owner along with them; I dated people, most of whom didn’t own a car.) When the car’s owner came to pick me up from rehearsal, I walked around the back of the car to see what was written on it. Sure enough, it was a Porsche. I didn’t like it very much. It was too close to the ground, so I could feel every bump, it was difficult to get into and out of – we wore very short straight skirts in those days – and it always felt as if it was going too fast, even when it wasn’t. I refused its owner’s marriage proposal, but that had nothing to do with the car.

  3. malc50 says:

    Thanks for getting the weekend off to a good start, with a smile, Mags! Cheers, Mal.

  4. Mork and Mindy! Ah, what a good show. Na-nu na-nu.
    Loved these. Have a great weekend!

  5. Red Nomad OZ says:

    Tragically, the first one ISN’T a joke – I’ve seen it with my own eyes!!!

  6. Rebekah says:

    LOL Mags …I always appreciate these Friday jokes!

    But like Red Nomad, I must say that there’s a lot of that here! See it most every day and it’s scary.

  7. Loved the Rush Hour one. Too true.

  8. travelrat says:

    The first one reminded me of the rumour, which I’ve been unable to confirm, that should you require it, the application form for a driving license in UK (like most Government forms) is available in the language of your choice … also in Braille or large print!

    (Thankfully, it also specifies that you must declare you can read a car number plate at 20 metres!)

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi travelrat,
      That is hilarious. 😆
      What a contradiction though, having a form in Braille, large print, and then saying you have to be able to read a number plate at 20 meters. I often wonder who does these forms for the Government, some of the red tape can drive a person crazy. 😀

    • The “language of your choice” possibly refers to the six legal spoken languages of the British Isles; English, Scottish Gaelic, Irish Gaelic, Cornish, Manx and Welsh. An official document in any of these languages is legal there. Braille would have been added when it was added as a language choice on all other official forms. Another public servant just obeying orders without using his or her brain. All of this is just conjecture of course, but it seems plausible.

      Another possibility is that the “language choice” refers to all the languages of the European Union to which the UK (more or less) belongs. For example, I have a French driver’s licence which allows me to drive in all of the countries of the Union – signage is the same everywhere – including Great Britain where everyone drives on the “wrong” side of the road (left instead of “right”). Great Britain has never been wholeheartedly “European” and refuses to use Euros, so there is little chance that her drivers will be asked to drive on the right any time soon. This is a problem for visitors from other parts of Europe.

      • travelrat says:

        In principle, you’re right … but, the ‘language of your choice’ is aimed mainly at the immigrant population … i.e. Urdu, Bengali, Pashto or whatever!

        But, about the side of the road … left *is* the ‘right’ side … Europeans drive on the right because Napoleon decided troops should march on the right side of the road to confuse the British, and the Americans drive on the right simply because, on his first cars, Henry Ford put the helm on the port side, rather than the starboard!

  9. Kymbo says:

    Love the car chase joke…very good.

  10. E.C. says:

    My husband and I really enjoyed your jokes. We got quite a good laugh from them. Thanks so much. 🙂

  11. aFrankAngle says:

    Mags … thanks for starting my Saturday morning with a smile …. Mork and Mindy line is a great one!

  12. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Yeah, the first one is based on fact! I’m thinking of my own parents. But it gave me a giggle!

  13. Arindam says:

    LOL 🙂 🙂 What a funny post. I can’t control my laughter, While i am typing this comment also!!!!

  14. dearrosie says:

    I laughed and laughed at the first one although I remember only too well my mother’s second husband still driving when he should not have been at the wheel, and how hard it was to take the car keys away from him. Poor man.

  15. My 93-year old mom still drives and she seems to be okay, but just this morning she was telling me that she and a few of her friends were coming back from a Christmas carol sing last night and the woman behind the wheel, a much younger 88, didn’t see the center median making the turn and went up onto it before getting back on the correct part of the road. I gulped. Like Rosie said, it’s so hard to even talk about taking keys away, let alone actually doing it.

    That said, I sent this joke to my mom and she loved it so much she sent it along to all her fellow 90-year old friends who got a great chuckle this weekend!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi EOSR,
      It would be hard to bring up about taking the car keys, for a lot of the Elderly they see their car as there way of staying independent, and a way of going somewhere they would like, instead of being stuck at home. I agree a very hard decision.

  16. HolEssence says:

    Great way to launch the weekend. I especially loved the first one — we should be grateful we can still drive 🙂

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