Xmas Jokes

Try-on
Anna was going to the Xmas office party but needed a new dress. 
So she went into a dress shop and asked the assistant, ‘May I try on that dress in the window, please?’

‘Certainly not, madam,’ responded the assistant, ‘You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.’

Xmas Caper
Lucy lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of Xmas shopping.

A small boy found it and he returned to her. Looking in her purse, Lucy reasoned, ‘Hmmm…. that’s strange.  When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are four $5 notes.’

The boy quickly replied with a charming smile, ‘That’s right, the last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.’

Christmas Story
Daniel aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.

He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.

Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, ‘I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three blokes on camels had to deliver all the toys. And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way around’.

Bon-Bons or Cracker Jokes
Note: Christmas Crackers are called ‘Bon-Bons’ in OZ. 🙂

  • What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have?
    Baby reindeer.
  • Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
    So he can ho-ho-ho.
  • How do you know that Santa is a man?
    No woman wears the same attire every year.
  • Why did the turkey cross the road?
    Are you kidding?  It’s Christmas – he should run a mile.
  • The 3 stages of man:
    1) He believes in Santa Claus.
    2) He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
    3) He IS Santa Claus!
  • What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
    The Christmas alphabet has No L (Noel).

Christmas Present
Pete bought his wife, Thelma, a beautiful diamond ring as her Christmas present.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, John, his friend, commented, ‘I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.’

‘Oh, Thelma did, Pete replied, ‘But where on earth was I going to find a fake Jeep?’

 Little Known Christmas Fact
It was Christmas eve, and Santa was really busy making his list and checking it twice, when there came a knock at the door.

His wife comes in. “Honey, where do you want me to put your boots and gloves?” Well, Santa is very busy and so he’s slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her, “Put them by the front door, and stop bothering me. I’m trying to get some work done.”

He starts back to work, but a few minutes later an elf barges in. “Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should we do with them?” Santa snaps, “Stick ’em in the sleigh! Can’t you see I’m trying to get ready? I don’t want any more interruptions!”

But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there is another interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says, “Santa, I have your Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?”
 
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Xmas Thank You Notes
One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.

As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous cheques she had given the children for Christmas.

The next Christmas things were a little different, however.

“The children came over in person to thank me for the generous Christmas gifts” the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

“How wonderful!” the friend exclaimed. “What do you think caused the change in behavior?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” the grandmother replied. “This year I didn’t sign the cheques.”

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Jokes and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to Xmas Jokes

  1. travelrat says:

    From a Canadian friend:

    It is a fact that both sexes of reindeer have antlers. But, the male sheds his antlers in winter; the female keeps hers until she is ready to mate in Spring. So, if all the stereotypes are true, Dasher, Dancer, Donner, Blitzen et. al must be female.

    Which stands to reason … who else would carry a fat old man around, and never get lost?

    (Do I need to say my Canadian friend is female? :))

  2. El Guapo says:

    Great jokes as always. Thanks, magsx2
    And I groaned at each of the bon-bons.

    Also, I’ll be retelling the christmas tree angel one.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi El Guapo,
      Oh yes the Bon Bon jokes, don’t you just love reading them out around the table, and there are always a few groans to go with them, that is what makes them funny I feel. 😆

  3. Arindam says:

    What a fun post to read. I liked the intelligence of that boy in your #2 joke a lot. Keep posting and help us in laughing. 🙂

  4. Ohhhhhhh, I love the grandma in “Xmas Thank You Notes!”

  5. Rebekah says:

    All great jokes, Mags …but the last one got to be my favourite! LOL Very clever, on grandma’s part!

  6. dearrosie says:

    I don’t know how you do it every week but you’ve got another great collection of funnies here Mags.

  7. malc50 says:

    “checks”? The “angel” and the “unsigned cheques” were my favourites. Thanks Mags. Havagoodweekend.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Mal,
      OOPS! 😳 Thank You Mal, post now fixed with the right “cheques”. I can’t even come up with a good excuse for putting in the word “checks”. 😀
      Glad you had a bit of a laugh at the jokes. You also have a great weekend.

  8. Kymbo says:

    Awesome jokes Mags and right on Christmas cue.

  9. aFrankAngle says:

    Dang .. I read this too late as I started a project on Monday, attended their Christmas party on Thursday …. and this would have been good material! 🙂 Lotsa rimshots to ya. http://instantrimshot.com/

  10. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Lots of great giggles here, mags! Have a wonderful weekend!

  11. Red Nomad OZ says:

    Hahaha! Lucy should’ve replied ‘Oh, that’s lucky! I’m so grateful I’d have given you a $20 if that’s the smallest I had!!’ to the creative bag-finding boy!!

  12. These were great, Mags! I had a good laugh.

  13. Pingback: There Goes The Neighborhood… | Guapola

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s