New Years Eve (Jokes)

 A Dream
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’

‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package.  Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.

The Dinner Party
A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at his home on New Years Eve and planned to serve his guests’ favourite food, steak, as the main course.

While the guests were eating their appetizers, the cook came to the host and whispered, “Please come urgently to the kitchen.”

newyear_4 gifThe host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while he had stepped out for a quick cigarette, the host’s dog had climbed up on the table and eaten a few chunks out of some steaks. The host said, “Just fill the holes with some meat and turn the other sides up–nobody will notice.”

The steaks were served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again summoned to the kitchen. The cook, looking quite upset, told the host that the dog had died.

The host frantically rushed back to the dinner party and apologized fervently before announcing, “Something was wrong with the steak and everyone must have their stomachs pumped immediately at the hospital.”

The guests all headed there, endured the painful procedure, and returned to the house. The host then went and asked the cook, “Where is the dog?”

“Oh,” said the chef, “The dog is still down by the road where the car hit it.”

  • When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year,
    I gave up thinking.
  • Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New
    Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
    – Bill Vaughan
  • The End of the year is Nigh.
    That means more soon-to-be obsolete techno junk is coming your way.
  • Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.
  • Every year millions of people want a New Year’s Eve they’ll never forget. Then they drink so much they can’t remember it.

New Year Toasts

  • Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.
  • May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
  • In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, but never in want.
    ~ Traditional Irish toast
  • The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
    ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
  • Raise your glass. Let the old year pass.
    Just don’t drink so much you fall on you’re a–.
  • May we live to learn well, and learn to live well.
    May you live as long as you want,
    and never want as long as you live.

A New Year Prayer for the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

New Years Eve
It was early New Years Eve when my new wife announced she was not well, and we would have to put off our plans for the evening.  Later in the day after we had rang everyone and explained why we couldn’t make the party, I was invited out for a night with “the boys.” I told my new bride that I would be home by midnight … promise!

Well, one tall tale led to another while everyone bought me drinks. Before I knew it, it was almost 3:00 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, I took a cab home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness — even when smashed — to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning, the misses asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o’clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said “Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said ‘dang it,’ cuckooed another 4 times, belched, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and then giggled.”

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49 Responses to New Years Eve (Jokes)

  1. Arindam says:

    One more Funny post. 🙂
    I hope you have spent lots of time creating this post.
    “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.”, The best way to wish someone on new year. I do not really make resolutions, so i hope i will not have any trouble.

  2. El Guapo says:

    Another great set. First one was hilarious!

  3. I especially enjoyed the one about the steak and the dog that died 🙂

  4. lolabees says:

    The first and the last are my favorites. Can’t think of a better way to ring in the new year than with some laughs! Happy New Year to you, mags… again 😉

  5. malc50 says:

    All the very best for 2012, Mags!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Mal,
      You have a great New Year as well.
      Do they still need you to work next year?
      If so you enjoy the time you have before you have to begin work again. 😀

      • malc50 says:

        They weren’t able to get a suitable full-time lecturer in Maths Education, so it looks like I’ve got work again as an Adjunct Lecturer, Mags. I’m being paid over the vacation for so many hours work to invent a new subject for fourth year B.Ed.. Lots of changes going on, as we adopt the new Australian National Curriculum. Cheers, Mal.

  6. Rebekah says:

    Big LOL!!! 🙂
    Loved them all, but the dog and the senility were favourites!

    All the best for the new year!

  7. Tempo says:

    Great jokes Mags, I had to swipe a few of them….

  8. aFrankAngle says:

    Love the one liners … and an early Happy New Year! But I’ll be back before then.

  9. E.C. says:

    lol such good fun for the New year.
    Happy New Year! 🙂

  10. Selma says:

    LOLZ 😆
    You always have great jokes. I also really like the Toasts. I might use one of them.
    Have a fantabulous New Year, Mags. Wishing you much happiness for 2012 xxx

  11. Barb says:

    I need to makie a poster and put it above my desk with the prayer for the elderly on it.. I thought I forgot names because my 2 brain cells were full,Now, I have permission to forget folks names. thanks for the smiles. Happy 2012

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  14. wolke205 says:

    That was funny 😀 I wish to you & your family a Happy New Year 🙂

  15. I love the humorous toast: “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.” We usually have a glass of wine which puts us to sleep and then we wind up sleeping through the festivities. 🙂 Happy New Year, Mags!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Barbara,
      There is nothing wrong with sleeping through it all, at least you will wake up feeling better than a lot of others. 😆
      You and Your Family have a wonderful New Year.

  16. dearrosie says:

    Happy New Year Mags,
    Nice selection this week. The dog who died joke is a good reminder to all of us to slow down and listen.

  17. Great way to ring in the new year! After I laughed out loud at the dog joke, I looked over at my own pup and said “sorry, but it was really funny”!

    Happy and safe New Year to you Mags, and also to those here whom I’ve gotten to know.

  18. Fergiemoto says:

    Thanks for the laughs!

  19. says:

    the meaning of dreams!!!!!! pure class. warmest wishes for the new year. lonely m. xx

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi lonelym,
      Good to hear to had a bit of a laugh. 😀
      All the best for the New Year to you as well.
      Thank You for taking the time to comment.

  20. Red Nomad OZ says:

    I read ALL of them – before realising the first one was my favourite!! Happy New Year!

  21. RoseCityRemona says:


  22. Tricky says:

    Middle age is when you’re forced to stay up…. Oh yes!!! LOL

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  24. A good new year 2013 desires we.
    Greeting, Wolfgang

  25. Indira says:

    We were missing all this fun. Welcome back with your funny jokes and everything, loved it.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Indira,
      Thank You. I am not back to full time blogging yet, but Dad’s health is improving daily, so I have had a bit more time to catch up with everyone. 🙂

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