R.I.P./The Law/Bedside Manners (Weekend Jokes)

R.I.P.
When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.”

At the Bar
I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my buddy,

“That’s us in ten years.”

He said, “That’s a mirror.”

Thank You Peter M for the joke.

IT’S THE LAW

Law of Mechanical Repair – The moment your hands are coated with grease, your nose will start to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity – Any dropped tool, nut, bolt, screw will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Variation Law –   If you change queues (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the  Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result – When you try to prove that a machine won’t work, it will.

The Coffee Law – When you finally sit down to a hot cup of coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better..  Don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick

Thank You for the above joke Peter M.

Bedside Manners
Susie’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

“You know” he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, “you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. “And you know what?”

“What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling to herself.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

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43 Responses to R.I.P./The Law/Bedside Manners (Weekend Jokes)

  1. I can’t decide which one I like best – they’re all great. My husband votes for the grave side service; I’m partial to “That’s us in ten years.”

    Have a great weekend!

  2. Some pretty funny stuff going on here. I like “At the Bar”.

  3. El Guapo says:

    Love number two. Never done that. Quite.
    Always managed to realize it was a mirror before my mouth opened.

    Great set, Magsx2! Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

  4. tempo says:

    Extremely funny today Mags, some real crackers there…

  5. Most definitely joke number one. I laughed out loud, really! Have a good weekend!

  6. barb19 says:

    😀 They all cracked me up – thanks for the chuckle Mags!

  7. Elyse says:

    Great set, Mags! I loved number one best.

    But I don’t think Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy is a joke. Truer words have never been spoken.

    Have a great weekend!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Elyse,
      Spot on about “The Marketing Strategy” this has also happened to me a few times, it does make you wonder. 🙂
      Have a great weekend.

  8. malc50 says:

    All good Mags! I nodded, smiling at each of the “laws”, but couldn’t hold back from laughing out loud when I read, “I think you’re bad luck.” Havagoodweekend!

  9. Rebekah says:

    Good ones, as usual, Mags! 🙂 Many of those laws are so TRUE! The one about changing lanes goes for the grocery store too… and the commercial one really applies to me!

  10. E.C. says:

    Thanks for sharing another set of fun smiles and laughter with us.
    Keep them coming. 🙂

  11. Barb says:

    When I laughed, I realized I hadn’t laughed all day. Thank you for the work you do, finding these presentable jokes. I needed this.

  12. travelrat says:

    Can identify with the mirror … I remember a hotel, where most of the walls were full-lenght mirrors, and thinking ‘That scruffy old man is wearing a sweater just like mine!’

    Another Law for you: ‘The more you want to impress your visitors, the more difficult it will be to get your barbecue lit’

  13. Red Nomad OZ says:

    Hahahaha! Love those laws!! And the mirror one!!! And the … hang on, I think they’re ALL great again!!!

  14. RoseCityRemona says:

    ‘Bedside Manners’ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Good one Magsx2!!!!

    Thanx for the great laugh!
    RoseCityRemona

  15. The first one has got to be an all time classic
    Greatly enjoyed that
    Ian aka Emu

  16. aFrankAngle says:

    The last one my fav.

    Similar to the cemetery story .. but true. This church sits on a ridge, with the upper floor (sanctuary) at street level, but several lower levels follow the ridge.
    A service man showed up at the church, saw a person (who happened to be a member) and asked about the location of the columbarium … so he directed the service man to the bottom of the ridge – the location of the septic system. He didn’t know the columbarium as a the memorial location for the placement of urns.

  17. I WAS a young pastor once, and in our small town of Quebec the Seventh Day Adventist pastor was doing a graveside internment service in the Autumn during a pounding rain and was standing too close to the grave, and the whole side of it gave way and he was suddenly at the bottom looking up. After that, no one could look him in the eye without breaking into a smile. He brought more merriment to that sad excuse for a town than anyone–and being an overly earnest and serious person, he only made the townsfolk smile all the more broadly. Thank you for making me laugh really long and hard this morning!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi weisserwatercolours,
      You have also brought a smile to my face as well, Thank You for sharing the story. I can picture the towns people all looking down with a huge grin. 😀

  18. jakesprinter says:

    Great Entry 🙂 🙂 🙂

  19. dearrosie says:

    Mags these are all hilarious. This week I don’t have one favorite – I like them all – well maybe the first one…

  20. You’ve outdone yourself this week, Mags. They are all hilarious.

  21. I had to stop by these again——hahahahahahahahaha! I just love the one about the bar

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