Weather (Weekend Jokes)

Bad Weather
A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.

As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,”The weather out there is terrible.”

To which she sleepily replies, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in this weather?”

  • There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It’s called Monday.
  • Don’t knock the weather; nine out of ten people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in awhile!
  • Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get!
  • The wind is like the air, only pushier.
  • “Hey, what’s the weather like out there?”
    “I don’t know. I’ll tell you when it clears.”
  • An honest weatherman says, “Today’s forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I’m wrong.”

The Stranger
Can you give me a push?A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

“Can you give me a push?” he asks while hanging onto the door frame. “Not a chance” says the husband — “It’s 3 o’clock in the morning!”. He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was it?” asks his wife.”
Just some drunk wanting a push” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I didn’t — it’s three in the morning and raining like crazy out.”
“Well, you have a short memory” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him.”

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes the answer. “Do you still want a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.”
Over here on the swing!” the drunk replies.

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52 Responses to Weather (Weekend Jokes)

  1. Thanks! I needed that! So funny!

  2. “Bad weather” made me laugh out loud!

  3. I love the first one! hahahahaha—I go swimming every other day, and it’s serious. I do 2.5 km (100 lengths) . Anyway, I was swimming away on Wed. and suddenly your joke about the two men in the bar and the mirror came to mind and I started laughing and almost drowned!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi weisserwatercolours,
      I didn’t know whether to laugh or be horrified, but I laughed, what a place to remember a joke. πŸ™‚
      How on earth you manage to swim in such cold weather is unreal to me, but good on you, swimming is a wonderful way to exercise.

  4. mikekrabal says:

    Funny stuff! I’m going to go grab a beer and look for a swing!

  5. Thanks for a laugh! Loved the drunk on a swing!

  6. E.C. says:

    Hilarious funnies to start the weekend off right. Thanks for the laughter. πŸ˜†

  7. tempo says:

    Fantastic jokes, loved the drunk on the swing..

  8. malc50 says:

    All good, Mags! I particularly liked the drunk on the swing. Havagoodweekend, Cheers, Mal.

  9. Lafemmeroar says:

    Lol! Great jokes. You certainly make talking about the weather very entertaining.

  10. El Guapo says:

    Very funny, Magsx2. Didn’t see the punchline coming on the first one!
    Hope the rain has died down by you and everything is returning to normal…

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi El Guapo,
      Wow, didn’t see the punchline coming, then it was good. πŸ™‚
      Still raining here, but only very light rain, still more wet weather coming unfortunately.
      Have a great weekend.

  11. Fergiemoto says:

    Bad Weather – that one’s great!

  12. dearrosie says:

    I cant say I have one favorite this week. I think they were all great.

  13. travelrat says:

    Heard one last night you might like:

    They opened a ‘house of ill repute’ just across the street from a church. Naturally, there was great opposition from the congregation of the church, but the plan went ahead anyway. Then, one night, it was struck by lightning, and burnt to the ground.

    The owner approached his insurance company, but was told it was an Act of God, and they wouldn’t pay.

    So, he reasoned, since God was responsible, he did so in answer to the prayers of the church’s congregation … which, of course, they strongly denied. The matter came to court.

    ‘I don’t know what to decide’ said the judge. ‘Here, we have a brothel-keeper who believes in the power of prayer, and a church which doesn’t!’

  14. souldipper says:

    Good kick-off to a week-end, Mags. Hope the rains have let up and you are drying out.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi souldipper,
      I hope you have a great weekend. πŸ™‚
      We have had some heavy shows tonight, but mostly light rain, there are still places flooded, but some roads have reopened, always a good sign. πŸ™‚

  15. jakesprinter says:

    Ha,ha,ha Something in my mind really funny πŸ™‚

  16. Bloody great mate , have told them half a dozen times today already
    You always have great authentic jokes but we both know they are true
    Ian aka Emu

  17. aFrankAngle says:

    First is my fav – but it spurs this question – does Australia ever get snow?

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi aFrankAngle,
      Oh yes we have snow here in OZ, but way down south, not where I live, Queensland is considered to be part of the tropics. πŸ˜€

  18. This is my first visit to your blog, and I love it. Sign me on as a subscriber! (No: I’ll do it myself!) Thanks for the good cheer, good stories and good fun.


    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Ronnie,
      Happy to hear you enjoyed the jokes. πŸ™‚
      I will difinately come over and check out your blog, I just got up, (early morning here in OZ) and I’m enjoying my first coffee for the day.
      Thank You so much for taking the time to comment.

  19. Rebekah says:

    LOL especially at the last one!!! Those little weather statements were really good … and true. The weather is such good conversation stater..

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Rebekah,
      With all the rain we have had here, it just seemed right to do a few weather jokes, glad you had a laugh. πŸ˜€
      Have a good weekend.

  20. Cafe23 says:

    Hahahaha! Omg that first one killed me. I literally laughed out loud. They’re all clever though πŸ™‚
    Thanks for the weather jokes — it’s coming at a good time!

  21. wolke205 says:

    Hilarious – I love the first one!! Thanks for the laugh πŸ˜€

  22. fakelikeme says:

    So, random question, what’s your favorite comedy of all time? How about favorite comedy that came out in 2011. All time I’d go with Dumb and Dumber (so classic), and this year I’d go with Bridesmaids. Nice blog btw… πŸ™‚

  23. Too funny. We live for nice weekends then have it spoiled by weather that turns the following Monday. Yikes.

  24. Red Nomad OZ says:

    Hahaha! Even though it’s no longer the weekend, they’re still hilarious!!! SO true about changes to the weather being the topic of so many conversations – why don’t we talk about more interesting things??!!

  25. That reminds me of an old one about two farmers meeting after a night of gale force winds. The first one tells his neighbour that the roof had been blown off his barn and asks if his neighbour’s barn had been damaged. The second farmer replies: “Dunno. Haven’t found it yet.”

  26. Indira says:

    Don’t knock the weather; nine out of ten people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in awhile! so true.

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