Decoy/The Confessional (Weekend Jokes)

Decoy

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.  

At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.  After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.  Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.  The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” he exclaimed.
“No, it isn’t,” giggled the driver.  “I’m the designated decoy!”

Yes, this is a woman’s world.  When a man is born, the first question people ask is:  
How is the mother?  
When he marries, people say, what a lovely bride!  
And when he dies, they ask, How much did he leave her?

The Confessional

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

“I dunno….” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

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65 Responses to Decoy/The Confessional (Weekend Jokes)

  1. Anyluckypeny says:

    Hi Mags! I was wondering where do you find this cute icons that move? 🙂

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Anyluckypeny,
      Some I brought years ago on a disc, but now there are thousands on the net that are free to use as long as it’s not for commercial use.
      You will find a lot of clip art sites that have animated clip art, that you can transfere to your computer, and then upload into your blog library. 😀

  2. Oh my gosh, I would have loved to have seen the look on the priest’s face when asked if he had any toilet paper on his side 🙂

  3. El Guapo says:

    I can’t believe we never thought of doing the first when i was in college.
    Of course, it may just have been that none of us wanted to stay sober…

  4. Cafe23 says:

    OH NOOOO!!! LOL that last one is brutal!! lol
    So hilarious though =P

  5. malc50 says:

    🙂 Havagoodweekend, Mags!

  6. The last one is a doozie. have a good weekend one and all.

  7. Elyse says:

    Your Friday posts are something to look forward to. Thanks for tge smile!

  8. BoJo Photo says:

    Those are some great jokes. People don’t laugh enough anymore!

  9. xdeviantonex says:

    Lol that first one sounds like something the rednecks from my hometown would do!

  10. tempo says:

    Great jokes Mags…love the ‘womans world’ joke the best

  11. A designated decoy hahaha. Being from Saskatchewan, I’m surprised we never thought of that one.

  12. elcampeador says:

    Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

    Only after hearing the shriek of: Ohhh Myyy Gawddddd

    Very funny Mags.. Love ’em. 🙂

  13. I loved the first one. Still chuckling. (I’m afraid that my mind must be rather warped; I saw the third one’s punch-line coming. Still funny though.)

  14. coolfeline says:

    Loved them all LOL …I always appreciate these jokes so much, because I never see what’s coming 🙂

  15. Windsmoke. says:

    It never ceases to amaze me the trouble you can get into when your drunk :-).

  16. travelrat says:

    I got breathalysed one dark night, and failed the test miserably … THEN pointed out the car was American, and the driver was sat on t’other side!

    The confessional joke could well be true, judging by the ‘dark brown stuff’ we used to find in telephone boxes on a Sunday morning.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi travelrat,
      I can just imagine the look on the face of the policeman, after that revelation. 😀
      Oh Yuk! That is disgusting, what on earth is wrong with some people.

  17. aFrankAngle says:

    Thanks for the great Saturday morning (for me) read. Loved all … especially the first one.

  18. wolke205 says:

    LOL hilarious as always, great 😀

  19. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Hilarious jokes! The last one is irreverently the most hilarious.

  20. Fergiemoto says:

    Thanks for the laughs!

  21. Red Nomad OZ says:

    Sensational! You’ve really outdone yourself this time!!! As usual, I can’t work out which one I like best!!

  22. zannyro says:

    Love the designated decoy! My big laugh of the day!

  23. starlaschat says:

    Where we use to live there is a very small town that people tend to spead through they set up a police car with a very real looking dummy in the drivers side, it works pretty well. Fun jokes, I was really delighted to see the blinking lights of the police car too.

  24. Arindam says:

    Although I am little late for weekend laughs, but at last I made it. As always thanks for all the laughs Mags. 🙂 🙂

  25. What a novel way to look at the world ! (..the second one) 🙂

  26. These are too funny! Keep ’em coming!

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