Happy Valentines Day (Jokes)

My One And Only

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, at a very smart jeweller’s shop in London.

The jeweller inquired, ‘Would you like your girlfriend’s name engraved on it?’

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, ‘No, instead engrave “To my one and only love”.’
The jeweller smiled and said, ‘Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.’

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, ‘Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.’

  • A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
  • Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.
    ~Thomas Robert Dewar
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

Love

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. “I thought I was in love three times,” one friend says.

“How so?” his friend asks.

“Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me.”

“Was that not love?” his friend asks.

“No,” he replies. “That was obsession.

Then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn’t understand me.”

“Was that not love?”

“No,” he replies. “That was lust.

Just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach.”

“Was that not love?” his friend asks.

“No,” he replies. “That was motion sickness.”

Nasty

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Desperate

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asked Mike.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

Did You Know?

Lips are 100 times more sensitive than the tips of the fingers

The science of kissing is called philematology

A French kiss moves about 29 muscles in the face

The world’s longest kiss took place in New York City, lasting 30 hours, 59 minutes, and 27 seconds

Two out of every three couples turn their heads to the right when they kiss

More than 4,400 couples arrived together in the streets in Chile for a ten second kiss, this set the world record for the largest number of people kissing simultaneously

According to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated one billion valentine cards are sent each year, making Valentine’s Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year. [An estimated 2.6 billion cards are sent for Christmas].

While 75% of chocolate purchases are made by women all year long, during the days and minutes before Valentine’s Day, 75% of the chocolate purchases are made by men.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Jokes and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

64 Responses to Happy Valentines Day (Jokes)

  1. El Guapo says:

    Fun! Great statistics at the end.
    If you celebrate Valentines Day, I hope it is romantic and love filled.
    If not, I hope your regular day is romantic and love filled.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi El Guapo,
      My Husband worked all night, he’s a shift worker, and will be home shortly, so we are going out for a lovely early lunch, (date day) and then of course he will need to get some sleep before he starts work again late this afternoon.
      Happy Valentines Day.

  2. travelrat says:

    Not really a joke, but I passed by a shop the other day that was selling Valentine cards … ‘Buy 2, get 1 free’.

    I think these guys lost the message!

  3. dfb says:

    Great stuff, great post! Thank you.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi dfb,
      Glad you enjoyed the post.
      I know it’s going to be a very long day for you today, so I am more than happy if you were able to have a bit of a laugh.

  4. zannyro says:

    OOOHhhh, I like the divorce lawyer one! Have a great Valentines..I’m going to try to
    make it the one day of the year where I DON’T eat chocolate.

  5. Windsmoke. says:

    These are all Bonza jokes for Valentines Day. My favourite Is the first joke it really cracked me up big time because there’s nothing like covering all your the bases. Happy Valentines Day :-).

  6. I’m so loving this! Wow! Having a good laugh!

  7. coolfeline says:

    LOL !!! The divorce lawyer was a really good one! πŸ™‚

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

  8. Ah, if love is blind…too funny. Happy Valentine’s Day to you!

  9. Love it!!!!! Thank you for making my day:) Happy Valentines Day Mags!!!!!!

  10. Oh 1 more thing lol
    …….ℒℴѡℯ…………ℒℴѡℯ
    …ℒℴѡℯ ℒℴѡℯ….β„’β„΄Ρ΅β„― β„’β„΄Ρ΅β„―
    β„’β„΄Ρ΅β„― β„’β„΄Ρ΅β„― β„’β„΄Ρ΅β„― β„’β„΄Ρ΅β„― β„’β„΄Ρ΅β„―
    .β„’β„΄Ρ΅β„― …………………… β„’β„΄Ρ΅β„―
    ..ℒℴѡℯℒℴѡℯ………ℒℴѡℯℒℴѡℯ
    ……ℒℴѡℯℒℴѡℯℒℴѡℯℒℴѡℯ
    ……..β„’β„΄Ρ΅β„―β„’β„΄Ρ΅β„―β„’β„΄Ρ΅β„―
    …………ℒℴѡℯℒℴѡℯ
    ……………ℒℴѡℯ

  11. My hubby and I have a deal. No chocolates. No roses. Instead, he makes breakfast and dinner. In my case, I’ll be having breakfast and breakfast as about all Mr. EOS can master is scrambled eggs!

    I’m with the others here – the divorce lawyer joke wins my vote. And wow, Peggy of franzfeaturedfotos, that is really clever.

  12. Great fun — I especially enjoyed the stats!

  13. elcampeador says:

    Late, I know..But Happy Valentines Day, Mags.

  14. Ha! Ha! Thanks for a good laugh. The stats were very interesting. Happy Valentine’s Day! πŸ™‚

  15. Arindam says:

    Hi Mags.
    Great post. You made me laugh. Happy Valentines Day. πŸ™‚

  16. The lawyer one gets my vote. It just proves that lawyers never seem to be in the spirit of any of these festivities.

    I have a quote for you: “My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn’t want him to. (Rita Rudner, quoted in “Ms”, 1984)

  17. Selma says:

    A 30 hour kiss? I might have needed CPR after that one. LOL. Great jokes and fun facts, Mags. Happy Valentine’s Day!

  18. Margie says:

    Lot’s of good chuckles! Happy Valentine’s Day Mags!

  19. malc50 says:

    Hi Mags, My wife collects Teddy Bears, so I bought her one today at Clifford Gardens in Toowoomba for St Valentine’s Day. She won’t receive it till tomorrow night, when I return to Townsville. I trust you and your husband enjoyed your lunch today. Best Wishes, Mal.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Mal,
      Oh she will love that. I have a friend that collects frogs, statues of course, and it is certainly getting harder to find something she doesn’t already have. πŸ˜€

      My Husband and I had a wonderful lunch, we both chose the sea food platter, and it was fantastic, I even indulged in sweets today as well.
      Happy Valentines Day.

  20. E.C. says:

    Wishing You A Very Happy Valentine’s Day! πŸ™‚

  21. aFrankAngle says:

    Jokes wise, love the lawyer one. However, you realize how much I appreciate the collection of factoids at the end!!! Happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours!

  22. BoJo Photo says:

    Funny jokes once again. I wonder, if someone stole my wife’s card would they spend less than her? πŸ™‚

  23. wolke205 says:

    I m still laughing, I love these nasty jokes lol Happy Valentine’s Day to you πŸ™‚

  24. Fergiemoto says:

    Hmmm…”philematology”…not near as romantic-sounding as “kissing.”

  25. Barb says:

    I told my significant other this morning, if you really loved me, you would not get any chocolate…AND DO not get me a session with a personal trainer like you did last year. Fun post. Thanks.

  26. Cafe23 says:

    Hahaha I like this one the best! –> “A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.”
    =D
    Happy Valentine’s Day!

  27. souldipper says:

    I just had dinner with a woman friend who is determined to not be sucked into the attitude that she should be with some dazzling man right now. I ought to have sent her here…she’d get her attitude back into shape! πŸ˜€

  28. Red Nomad OZ says:

    You’ve really outdone yourself with this post! And so glad you got to have a great Valentine’s Day lunch!! Look forward to your next joke collection!!!

  29. Rayya says:

    Loved all the jokes…so funny and definitely got me in the spirit of making fun of valentine’s day, hehehe… I had to abandon my poor bubbs at the pub and drive to an afterhours emergency, I wish I had him reading those jokes then to cheer him up…:-)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s