An Irish Bank Robber
It’s Saint Patrick’s day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face.
The Robber Shoots the Guy Without Hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?’ screams the robber.
There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, ‘I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.’
Digging a Hole
A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
‘Tell me, ‘said the passer-by, ‘What on earth are you doing?’
‘Well, ‘said the digger, ‘Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Paddy fills in the hole.
Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn’t mean Paddy and I have to take the day off, does it?’
Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
“What’s wrong, Seamus?” Paddy asked.
“Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus.
“Ah, praise the Almighty!” Paddy replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”
- ‘I’d like some nails,’ Mick requested of the ravelling tinker.
‘How long would you like them?’ asked the man.
‘Forever, if that’s all right with you,’ said Mick.
- ‘I’m the unluckiest person in the whole world,’ moaned Betty McGrath.
‘I bought a non-stick pan and can’t get the label off.’
- What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A sham rock.
- A lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever I ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
“Who told you that?” asked Paddy.
- Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.”
“Oh my!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”
On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his back
‘What’s in the bag?’ asked Paddy
‘I’m not going to tell’, replied Murphy
‘Go on, do.’ pleaded Paddy.
‘Ah, all right then, it’s ducks.’ announced Murphy
‘If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?’ enquired Paddy
‘Look’, said Murphy, ‘If you guess the correct number, I’ll give you both of them.’
‘Five!’ said Paddy triumphantly.
Murphy and O’Brien go out into the woods, they came to a clearing and see an abandoned well.
Murphy said ‘I wonder how deep that well is?’
O’Brien said, ‘There’s one way we could figure it out’.
Murphy says, ‘What’s that?’
O’Brien says, ‘We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we’ve got the depth of the well’.
Murphy says, ‘ What are you going to drop down it?’ Then O’Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, ‘One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three ……………….. ‘
Murphy said, ‘Three seconds!’
O’Brien said, ‘Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!’
‘288 feet!’, Murphy said. ‘Subtract a little for wind resistance, let’s say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep’.
As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, ‘LOOK OUT!!’ and he pushed O’Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well.
Murphy said, ‘My God, I’ve never seen anything like that’.
Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, ‘What’s going on here boys?’
O’Brien says, ‘We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.’
The farmer says, ‘Thank heaven it wasn’t one of my goats.’
Murphy says, ‘How do you know it wasn’t?’
And the farmer says, ‘Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.’