Kangaroo/How Long? (Weekend Jokes)

The Kangaroo
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
A twenty foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
“How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

  • Adam & Eve had the perfect marriage.
    He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn’t have to hear about how well his mother cooked!
  • Judge: Silence in the court!
    The next person who shouts will be thrown out. Prisoner: Hallelujah!
  • Behind every great musician was a next door neighbor saying,
    “Man, I wish they’d shut up.”
  • If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where to return Mondays.

How Long?
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks,
“How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says,
“About two hours.”
The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
“How long before I get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “
About two hours.”
The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
“How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop an says,
“About an hour and half.” The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
“Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”

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92 Responses to Kangaroo/How Long? (Weekend Jokes)

  1. RichardB1001 says:

    nice humor. thanks for posting.

  2. Ha! Nice jokes as always, Mags. :) I’m a little slow, though, was the last one about the guy being a thief?

  3. Lafemmeroar says:

    I love the one with the Judge … had me lolling :)

  4. Still laughing at the last joke!

  5. El Guapo says:

    Oh. My. God. The last one stopped me in my tracks!
    Loved all of them, and looking forward to retelling them (with full credit to you of course!)
    Thanks, and have a great weekend, Magsx2!

  6. haha! funny stuff. I never thought about accomplished musicians in that way… it’s true, isn’t it?

  7. Elyse says:

    Funny jokes, Mags! I once had a dog who, knowing there was a female dog in heat inside, jumped a 10 foot barbed-wire enclosure INTO the dog pound.

    Have a great weekend!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Elyse,
      That is just hilarious, talk about desperate. :D
      You also a wonderful weekend.

      • I once worked with someone who had two German Shepherds, one male and one female. Things used to become delicate when the female was in season as the dogs had to be kept away from each other. One day, while the female was taking her turn outside, the male shot through a plate-glass window and, covered in his own blood, mounted the lady. The humans were so stunned that they let him finish before carting him off to the veterinary surgeon for stitches. The window cost a fortune to repair. On top of that there were puppies afterwards. It wasn’t that they didn’t want puppies; they just wanted to wait until the female was a bit older. The vet. told the dog what he thought of him before stitching him up. I gather that it wasn’t complimentary.

  8. Windsmoke. says:

    Bonza jokes, i especially like the Kangaroo and the How Long one which cracked me up big time :-).

  9. malc50 says:

    :) Thanks Mags. Havagoodweekend, Cheers, Mal.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Mal,
      You also have a great weekend, we have the sun out with a lovely breeze and not a cloud in the sky, looking good. :D

      • Our weather was mixed today. Did you hear about our earthquake yesterday morning? 3.5 on the Richter Scale. A local ABC announcer started his programme with “Still standing after the 2012 Quake!” Perhaps not in the best of taste but he’s very young.

        • magsx2 says:

          @ Lady Marilyn,
          Yes I saw it on the news, they said it hit about 50 k outside of Canberra, and that it was the fourth one in a ten year period. I was happy to hear it was small and their were no injures and no damage.

          • It was five o’clock in the morning. It half-woke me but I thought that it was just thunder so rolled over and went back to sleep. Bit worrying though. What if there’s a worse one on its way? Christchurch is still very much on my mind.

          • magsx2 says:

            Unfortunately there is no way of knowing, but I really don’t feel you should be too worried it all. Yes there have been plenty of earthquakes in the past in the area, but they have been all small, and many years apart.

  10. Bruce says:

    Like the barber shop joke. A good laugh.

  11. To your house, that’s great

  12. Once more you have outdone yourself. Thanks for the humor Mags

  13. The kangaroo joke was my favourite today, Mags :-)

  14. tempo says:

    Another great selection Mags, love the ‘how long’ joke…

  15. reb says:

    *still LOL:ing* this was a really great bunch of jokes, Mags… thank you, and hope you’re having a good weekend!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi reb,
      That’s great that you had a laugh. :D
      We have perfect weather today just beautiful,leaving shortly to have some lunch at the beach.
      You also have a great weekend.

  16. Indira says:

    Very very funny, you really make my week ends full of fun, I wait eagerly for your weekend jokes. Thanks for sharing.

  17. Barb says:

    Okay, I don’t ususally ask personal questions, but this is killing me. Your jokes are good, so how many bars per week do you have to go to…to get this collection?

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Barb,
      Now if you changed the word bar to barbies I would say heaps. :lol:
      Some I sort of change a bit so they are more “family friendly”, in some cases I think the jokes are better this way. :D
      Have a great weekend.

  18. jakesprinter says:

    Lol Mags Great jokes again , the barbers are fool LOL :)

  19. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    Ha ha – terrific jokes :) The one about the barber is not funny though! Terrible – but a clever burglar… Thanks for the smile!

  20. still lmao! love love it!

  21. starlaschat says:

    I’m still trying to get the last one. Did the guy think he had to go to the man house for a hair cut? I think I might be over thinking this one. Thank You for the jokes they all made me smile it’s a nice way to start the weekend. Hope you have a relaxing weekend Mags :+)

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi starlaschat,
      Yes you maybe over thinking the joke a bit. The guy kept asking the barber how long he would be busy for, then disappears.
      The barber got curious and got his friend to follow this person, turned out he was going to the barbers house.

      Now the reason the “customer” wanted to know how long the barber would be busy for was because he was having an affair with his wife and didn’t want to get caught, he always knew how long the barber would be busy for. :D

      • starlaschat says:

        Ahhhh NOW I GET IT! Now thats funny! :+) I knew I was missing somthing, becasue I could see in the comments people were enjoying the joke a lot. Thank you for explaing it to me. :+) When I was dating my husband he told me a blond joke once and I didn’t get it so I had him explain it to me. That’s embarassing when your a brunett and you don’t get a blond joke. I enjoyed the barber joke THanks Mags! :+)

  22. Lynn says:

    Hahaha!Very good ones.The barber was very busy endeed,but I think the guy was much more!! :)

  23. elcampeador says:

    Gives a whole new meaning to: ‘a little around the ears’, eh?

  24. Cafe says:

    Hahahaha, thanks for always brightening up our weekends with these great laughs =P

  25. Randel says:

    Good humor as always. I love the kangaroo one.

  26. ~mimo~ says:

    Thanks for the weekend smiles :)

  27. hotlyspiced says:

    Great jokes. My favourite is the one about the kangaroo xx

  28. Love the kangaroo, Mags! :)

  29. Selma says:

    Lock the gate. Lock the gate!! You have the best jokes, Mags :lol:

  30. aFrankAngle says:

    Alright … Due to my crazy schedule this weekend, I’m ending the weekend here this time … OMG … lotsa good ones here. Loved them all as they kept getting better and better!

  31. rednomadoz says:

    Hahaha! Fantastic as usual!! The judge/prisoner one is my favourite! I hope you had a great weekend – apologies for my absence!!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi rednomadoz,
      Glad you liked the jokes, the reason I have taken so long to reply to your comment, my computer had a meltdown, and only now got back online.

  32. Tony McGurk says:

    Ha Ha Ha The barber joke really cracked me up!!!

  33. Jodi says:

    Ahhhh HA HA HA HA!!! I love this post!!! The Prisoner couldn’t miss out on that great opportunity, and how sad that the barber is basically giving his wife’s outside lover a timeline! I for one know how smart animals can be, so I totally respect the kangaroo! Thanks for making my morning!!

  34. Colline says:

    Some good laughs here Mags :D

  35. dearrosie says:

    Love them all! You’re getting funnier and funnier. I just wish I could remember some of them to share at work during down times but I’m not good at telling jokes…

  36. sporepigfish says:

    been busy recently, but of course still need to catch up with your weekend’s jokes :P

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