New Face/Two Statues (Weekend Jokes)

A New Face

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Two Lawyers

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, ‘Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!’

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

Two Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. “You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “You want to do it again?” And he replied, “Yes, very much. But this time lets switch positions. This time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll poop on its head.”

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100 Responses to New Face/Two Statues (Weekend Jokes)

  1. Loved this, especially the last one!

  2. You have again set us off on a weekend of laughter. Thanks!

  3. aFrankAngle says:

    Gotta love those statues. Have a good Saturday and rest of the weekend.

  4. Barb says:

    OOOOOOHHHHHHhhhhhhh! How’ve I needed your weekend jokes. Thank you thank you.

  5. El Guapo says:

    I’ve heard the third one, and you tell it well. Loved the first, and the second, except for the lawyer bit, could easily be me and a friend.
    Have a great weekend, Magsx2!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi El Guapo,
      I’m glad you still enjoyed the third joke even though you had heard it before. Yes you can easily retell the second joke by just substituting lawyers to your own name, and drag one of your friends into as well.😀
      You also have a great weekend.

  6. Lynn says:

    Lawyers…are always so clever🙂

  7. All three of them made me laugh — have a wonderful weekend!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Laurie,
      That’s great.😀
      You also have a great weekend.
      PS
      WP is playing with our blogs again, when you comment the Notify me of new comments is ticked, so make sure you untick it, or you will be inundated with e-mails.

  8. I’ve not heard any of them so a great laugh times three for me. Have a good weekend everyone!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi EOSR,
      I’m really glad you got a laugh out of the jokes.😀
      You also have a great weekend.
      PS
      Seems WP is fiddling again with our blogs, when you comment, the Notify me of new comments is ticked, so make sure you untick it or your e-mails are going to fill up.

      • I noticed that mags, Every WP blog I comment on I see that ‘Notify me’is ticked. I try and remember to untick it but its hard. Another nuisance from WP. And I see the Notifications thing is different just now, a pending icon. I vote they leave well enough alone.

  9. Arindam says:

    Hi Mags,
    The last one is the best.🙂 It made me laugh out really loud. And lawyer one is an intelligent one. Thanks for the weekend fun.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Arindam,
      Glad you enjoyed the jokes.😀
      Enjoy your weekend.
      PS
      When you are commenting take note that the Notify me by e-mail of new comments is ticked. WP is playing around again with our blogs, make sure you untick this or your e-mails are going to fill up.

      • Arindam says:

        Yes, I just came to know about that thing few minutes earlier, when I saw my mail box getting full.🙂 (For first I thought, My dream of getting freshly press came true; But WordPress again disappointed me). We all were happy with the WordPress was working; then I really can’t understand what’s the need of these kind of modification.

  10. Stepping My Way to Bliss says:

    Mags–these are too funny. I will share them with my husband. : )

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Bliss,
      So glad you enjoyed the jokes, I hope your husband enjoys them as well.😀
      Have a great weekend.
      Take note as your commenting that the Notify me of new comments is ticked on all blogs, WP is playing around again, so don’t forget to untick this box or your e-mails will start to fill up.

  11. You always bring a big smile, mags–thanks for the joy you give

  12. Windsmoke. says:

    I couldn’t pick a favourite one this time round because they are all brilliant indeed🙂.

  13. travelrat says:

    Ahh … statues!

    I remember how they once commissioned one of Tony Blair. The problem was, where to put it. Not next to George Washington, who never told a lie, or David Lloyd George, who never told the truth because Blair was incapable of telling the difference.

    In the end, they put him next to Christopher Columbus, who didn’t know where he was going; didn’t know where he was when he got there … and did it all on borrowed money!

  14. susielindau says:

    Thanks for the Friday Funnies! Have a fabulous weekend!

  15. Cafe says:

    Hahaha, hilarious!
    Have a great weekend, Mags!🙂

  16. reb says:

    *ROFL* Loved them!!! All three equally😀

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi WIDTS.
      That they are. I’m glad you still enjoyed them even though you had heard them before.😀
      Thank You very much for visiting and taking the time to comment, I hope you have a great weekend.🙂

  17. Thanks mags. A good chuckle as always

  18. malc50 says:

    🙂 Thanks Mags. Enjoy the long weekend – glorious weather for it! Cheers, Mal.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Mal,
      My husband has to work through, but he gets his days off later in week this roster. We have beautiful weather here in Brisbane too, it only just stopped raining last night, so it will be good for those that had planned camping trips for the long weekend.😀
      You also enjoy your weekend as well.

  19. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    I don’t know where you get them from, but I LOVE THEM!!🙂

    Absolutely choice, & my first smile of the day🙂🙂🙂
    http://www.VodkaWasMyMuse.wordpress.com (video diary of me stepping toward sobriety) & http://www.WordsFallFromMyEyes.wordpress.com

  20. Love that first one!🙂

  21. Thought the first one was fantastic!

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Drive Thru Guy,
      Thank You, I’m glad you ejoyed the joke.😀
      Thank you very much for visiting and taking the time to comment, have a great weekend.

  22. Elyse says:

    As always, Mags, a great way to start off the weekend. Only it is 9:30 so I am a little late! Thanks for the warnings about the checked box!

  23. Very funny! The boys loved them too! Thanks for sharing.

  24. Enjoyed all three! Thanks,
    Scott

  25. Linda Vernon says:

    These are so funny Mags!! Just reading the setup to the first one made me laugh! They all delivered!! Ha!

  26. tempo says:

    Awesome…loved them all but most especially the statues joke. Keep em coming Mags

  27. The Emu says:

    Always great to read your jokes , love the Statues
    Emu

  28. Indira says:

    Thanks for the weekend jokes and lovely videos. Have a nice weekend.

  29. Late this time but what a fun post Mags.specially the lawyer one…super fun🙂

  30. Quirina says:

    Very well written and funny. Did you write these jokes yourself?

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Quirina,
      Some jokes are my own, most other jokes have come from friends, unusually told at our barbeques/party’s etc, if they are too long and I think they are funny I always ask that particular person who told the joke to send it to me, as I just can’t seem to remember the real long ones.😀
      Sometimes I have to “rearrange” the wording to keep them family friendly.
      Thank You very much for visiting and taking the time to comment, I hope you have a great weekend.🙂

      • Quirina says:

        Well, you have done it brilliantly!! Love it. I just read them out aloud to my husband and he loved it too.🙂

        • magsx2 says:

          That is great.🙂
          Thank you for letting me know, I’m glad your husband also enjoyed the jokes.

          • Quirina says:

            I’d like to ask your permission to translate these jokes into German. It will form part of a script I am writing for a local Comedian (here in Germany, near Dresden).🙂

          • magsx2 says:

            Hi Quirina,
            Of course.😀
            Some of these jokes are from friends that have certainly done the rounds, over many years🙂 So spreading the laughter further afield is a good thing.😀

  31. robincoyle says:

    Great and unexpected punchlines.

  32. jakesprinter says:

    Great post again Mags ,I enjoy your jokes today especially the statue lol🙂

  33. Super funny – as always. Especially love the first one. Can’t get enough of MIL jokes.

  34. hotlyspiced says:

    I’m always amazed at where you find these jokes. I love the one about the statues xx

  35. Selma says:

    Love both the jokes. Thanks for the LOLs!!!

  36. niasunset says:

    Thank you for this laugh… I loved them all. Thank you dear Mags, have a nice new week, with my love, nia

  37. Tony McGurk says:

    Ha Ha Ha all good ones but especially the 1st

  38. Fergiemoto says:

    ha, ha…now that’s a different perspective on “kiss my…..” well, you know what I mean. I’m referring tot he first joke.

  39. HAHAHEE Love the first one!! but they are all soooo funny!!! Thanks I needed that!!

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