Burial/News (Weekend Jokes)

Burial

An elderly spinster called the lawyer’s office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.  

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, “You must understand, I’ve lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?”  

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster’s home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.  

The lawyer’s first question was, “Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributed under your will?”  

She replied, “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.”  

“Tell me,” the lawyer asked, “how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?”  

The spinster said, “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to notice when I pass on. I’d like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.”  

The lawyer remarked, “Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me,” he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?”  

The spinster replied, “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept with a man.   I’d like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.”

“This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding, “but I’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.”  

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.  

She said, “I’ll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you’re finished.”

 The next morning, she drove him to the spinster’s house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the car horn.   Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, “Pick me up tomorrow, she’s going to let the County bury her!”

  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.  
  • Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  • If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything

Bad News

A man was summoned to his attorney’s office. “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.  

“Give me the bad news first.” “Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars.”  

“That’s the bad news?” laughed the man. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”   The terrible news is…

“The picture is of you and your secretary!”

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91 Responses to Burial/News (Weekend Jokes)

  1. El Guapo says:

    Another funny set of jokes to send me on my weekend.
    How you’re having a great on, Magsx2!

  2. These gave me a smile. Thanks. Nice break from my work!

  3. niasunset says:

    Thank you dear Mags, it was nice funny jokes… Have a nice weekend, with my love, nia

  4. Thanks for another nice set of jokes to keep us happy over the weekend. By the way, do you happen to know that spinsters address?

  5. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.” This is a good one for a couple of my girlfriends, Mags🙂

  6. Today is my 52nd wedding anniversary. That alone is the biggest joke anybody can imagine!

  7. Windsmoke. says:

    Bonza bunch of jokes. The last one gets my vote🙂.

  8. “The picture is of you and your secretary.”

    Love it!

  9. malc50 says:

    😀 Thanks Mags. Havagoodlongweekend!

  10. Elyse says:

    The weekend doesn’t really start until I read your jokes, Mags. Glad you are on the mend!

  11. jmgoyder says:

    These are wonderful!

  12. BoJo Photo says:

    That was a costly photo the man’s wife found! 🙂

  13. robincoyle says:

    Too funny. Great way to start the weekend. You write those?

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi robincoyle,
      Glad you enjoyed the jokes, a lot of my jokes comes from friends, one particular friend can make up jokes on the spot, he just seems to have a gift for it.:D
      Have a great weekend.

  14. Funny stuff as always! Have a great weekend Mags!

  15. Indira says:

    Jokes and one liner all are so funny,can’t resist to share on Facebook with my friends. Thanks, have a great weekend.

  16. travelrat says:

    Lawyer jokes … I love ’em!

    This one told to me by my solicitor last week …

    Woman walks into a solicitor’s office, and asks how she goes about changing her name. Shouldn’t be a problem, said the solicitor. What is your name now?

    ‘Amanda Smellie-Dyke’

    The solicitor promptly guffawed with helpless laughter; when he collected himself, said:

    You must excuse me, but I can quite understand you wanting to change a name like that! To what do you wish to change it? The woman said:

    ‘Elizabeth Smellie-Dyke’!

  17. ha ha ha oh they are fab but the last one is a gem lol
    what a great fun post
    wish you a lovely weekend Mags🙂

  18. It’s a good job the spinster didn’t have millions, the solicitor would never have surfaced again.

  19. Roll on next weeks jokes

  20. Madhu says:

    The last one is hilarious. Thanks for the lighthearted start to the weekend🙂

  21. I needed a laugh today, thanks!

  22. OyiaBrown says:

    Reblogged this on OyiaBrown and commented:
    Superb!

  23. The Emu says:

    Love that old spinster one , maybe some old spinster will find me with a similar offer , lol
    Emu

  24. Hotly Spiced says:

    Great jokes this week Mags. I love the one about the artwork being worth a million dollars! xx

  25. AgrippingLife says:

    Hahahaha! all very funny. I liked the walk a mile in their shoes!

  26. starlaschat says:

    Thanks for the jokes Mags that was fun I read them outloud to Navar. It was fun to hear him laugh too. :+) Hope you have a great weekend.

  27. Cafe says:

    HAHAHA! Omg that first one is SO bad and SO good at the same time! lol
    I love the walking a mile in someone’s shoes too. So funny =P
    Have a great rest of the weekend, Mags!🙂

  28. viveka says:

    That’s brilliant … a joke in my taste *smile … he must have done a good job – Brilliant !!!! Have a great weekend.

  29. aFrankAngle says:

    Lawyer jokes … ha ha … certainly no shortage of selections! Thanks for the grins for my Saturday afternoon.

  30. Congratulations my friend.It’s always a joy visiting.I’ve nominated you for the Commentator Award!
    http://wp.me/p27eXb-7z

  31. reb says:

    LOL wonderful … loved the burial joke!😀

  32. jakesprinter says:

    Great post Mags, Thanks for sharing your joke idea again, Thumbs up my friend🙂

  33. Linda Vernon says:

    Haha! Mags! You really know how to pick them! County indeed! 😀

  34. Selma says:

    Love these, Mags. Your jokes are always a welcome addition to my weekend:mrgreen:

  35. ~mimo~ says:

    I love these jokes! I wait for your posts Mags. Great stuff

  36. susielindau says:

    These are hilarious! Especially that wild spinster!

  37. No way did I predict the end of the spinster joke. Hilarious. Just curious, how far back in your blog have you been doing weekend jokes? It’s such a stellar idea.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi EOSR,
      The spinster joke seems to be a favourite this weekend.😀
      I started weekend jokes right from the beginning back in 2010. When I first starting blogging I had weekend jokes and midweek jokes, so every Saturday and Wednesday were jokes, but it got a bit much having the 2 lots so I just stuck with the weekend ones.🙂

  38. love the spinster joke! Te he he!

  39. E.C. says:

    Great selection of funnies. You have a talent for picking the perfect jokes and saying to compliment each… and give me a bunch of great big laughs. Thanks so much.😆

  40. Hi Mags, thanks for the jokes! I’d never heard this line before, “I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.” Have to remember that one!

  41. I really like the last one.

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