Gambling/Driver/Flowers (Weekend Jokes)

Gambling

A man spent a weekend gambling in the casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn’t want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man’s house. He screamed at the professor:

“You tell this guy that if he doesn’t give me back my money I’ll kill him!”

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: “I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.”

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: “He’s not going to tell you. He said he’d rather die first.”

Taxi Driver

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, “Please, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me.”

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn’t realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, “I’m sorry, it’s really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

Flowers

A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. but when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, “Rest In Peace”. The owner was a little peeved,and he called the florist to complain.

After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir I`m really sorry for the mistake,but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
“Congratulations On Your New Location”.

Paying The Bill

 Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said, “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.

“That’s fine,” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

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99 Responses to Gambling/Driver/Flowers (Weekend Jokes)

  1. My favorite is the “Congratulations on your new location” joke – that’s hysterical! Have a great weekend.

  2. El Guapo says:

    Love this set. “New Location” gives me ideas for my funeral.
    It should be festive!
    Have a great weekend, Magsx2

  3. ALL FUNNY!!! Thanks for helping me start the week end with a laugh!
    Have a good one, Mags!

  4. robincoyle says:

    They are all fantastic, I agree with several commenters. The flowers/funeral joke is the best.

  5. aFrankAngle says:

    Good way to launch into the weekend. All good – the kiss my fav. Happy Saturday to you!

  6. niasunset says:

    Thank you for these laugh dear Mags, have a nice weekend, love, nia

  7. Windsmoke. says:

    Bonza jokes. The Taxi Driver one gets my vote🙂.

  8. viveka says:

    New location … an excellent one.

  9. Thanks for the laugh! Number two is my favorite.

  10. Bruce says:

    All a good laugh. Bruce

  11. malc50 says:

    “Grandpa will pay the bill.” is my favourite, though all are good. Thanks Mags for putting a smile on my face before I begin to mark 101 exam papers. Cheers, Mal.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Mal,
      You can just picture the look the guy must of had on his face behind the counter.😀
      Wow, you have a bit of work to do today, that will take up most of your Saturday, I hope you can enjoy your Sunday.🙂

  12. malc50 says:

    It’ll take more than a day or two, Mags. At about 20 minutes each, there’s between 30 and 40 hours work involved. The deadline for completion is 21st June. Cheers.

    • magsx2 says:

      I didn’t realize they would take that long. It’s times like these that it would be good if it was raining, but if you have weather up there like we have today down here in Brissie it is a shame, it is a glorious day here.

  13. Love the “new location”!

  14. jmgoyder says:

    That second one made me scream with laughter!!!!

  15. Noeleen says:

    These are so great!!! The first one SO reminds me how much we rely on translation. Did you ever see that film, ‘Lost in Translation’? oh, my gosh, it so had me laughing…

    I seriously don’t know how you can come up with so many jokes – excellent. Love visiting here🙂

  16. Linda Vernon says:

    Haha Mags! Thoroughly enjoyed them all! Have a wonderful weekend!😀

  17. mj monaghan says:

    Too funny, Mags. Laughter is the best medicine, isn’t it?

  18. Asifa Zunaidha says:

    Grandpa will be 22222 happy to pay the bill😉 Happy Weekend🙂

  19. tempo says:

    great jokes and a fine way to start the weekend…

  20. lol this was one of the best weekend jokes…gambling and the flowers..oh god hilarious
    Wish you a lovely weekend Mags🙂

  21. adinparadise says:

    Thanks for the LOLs on this Saturday morning! I shall send these to my sister. I know they’ll go down very well.😉

  22. Selma says:

    Haha. Snort. Giggle. Your jokes are always the best, Mags. Have a great weekend:mrgreen:

  23. Can I stop laughing long enough to type a comment of thanks? What a great way to start a weekend. Thanks once again, Mags.

  24. Indira says:

    Hi Mags, great jokes again, have a nice weekend. You make my weekend enjoyable with your jokes. Thanks.

  25. Yoo hoo Magsx2 – it rhymes – sorry I couldn’t resist that. The joke about the man winning the money and burying it would make a great short story.

  26. Rayya says:

    Hilarious…loved them all. Couldn’t decide which joke was the best because they were all pretty funny! Thanks for sharing them.

  27. wolke205 says:

    Bwahaha – the first one is so evil lol Happy Weekend Magsx!🙂

  28. starlaschat says:

    I enjoyed all the jokes Thank You! I’m smiling going into the weekend!

  29. Gotcha! I’ve nominated you for the Lovely Blogger Award, drop in to my page http://crazytraintotinkytown.com/ for details – congrats!!!

  30. All of the jokes gave me a good laugh! Thanks, Magsx2!

  31. Hi Mags! Happy Saturday! Haha the flower joke was hilarious!😀 good way to start the day with a good laugh!
    Adri

  32. Madhu says:

    The ‘flowers’ was hilarious🙂 Have a great weekend Mags.

  33. reb says:

    They were all really hilarious … but I loved the florist one😆

  34. Love the flowers joke!

  35. Tony McGurk says:

    The 1st one really cracked me up

  36. Right-o, normally I am not a joke-person, but I always enjoy yours! Many thanks for the chuckles!
    anne

  37. They were all good but the second and third ones had me screeching with laughter.

  38. hotlyspiced says:

    Love the one about grandpa paying the bill – that girl was smart! xx

  39. I’m having to actually type this comment instead of dictating it because I’m laughing too hard!

  40. Thanks for sharing a post that made me smile and laugh today.

  41. blackwatertown says:

    Good ones – be careful what you wish for.

  42. These are so hilarious!

  43. Fergiemoto says:

    Ha, ha. A mix up in flower delivery – now that would be embarrassing.

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