Newly Weds/Dietician (Weekend Jokes)

Newly Weds

Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.

When they got back, Elaine immediately ‘phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, ‘How was the honeymoon, dearest?’
‘Oh, Ma,’ she replied, ‘the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic…’

Then Elaine burst out crying. ‘But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language… saying things I’ve never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please Ma.’

‘Calm down, Elaine!,’ said her mother, ‘Tell me, what could be so awful?  What 4-letter words?’

Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, ‘Oh, Ma…words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.’

• My wife’s a water sign.  I’m an earth sign. Together we make mud.
  ~Rodney Dangerfield
• I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
  ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
• I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.~ Rita Rudner
• My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
  ~ Roseanne Barr

Dietician

The hospital’s consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.

‘The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, ‘Wedding cake.’