Newly Weds/Dietician (Weekend Jokes)

Newly Weds

Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.

When they got back, Elaine immediately ‘phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, ‘How was the honeymoon, dearest?’
‘Oh, Ma,’ she replied, ‘the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic…’

Then Elaine burst out crying. ‘But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language… saying things I’ve never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please Ma.’

‘Calm down, Elaine!,’ said her mother, ‘Tell me, what could be so awful?Β  What 4-letter words?’

Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, ‘Oh, Ma…words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.’

  • My wife’s a water sign.Β  I’m an earth sign. Together we make mud.
    ~Rodney Dangerfield
  • I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
    ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.~ Rita Rudner
  • My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
    ~ Roseanne Barr


The hospital’s consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.

‘The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, ‘Wedding cake.’

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71 Responses to Newly Weds/Dietician (Weekend Jokes)

  1. Those are great! Have a great weekend Mags!

  2. E.C. says:

    ~rofl~ Hilarious way to start the weekend! Thanks so much! I hope your weekend is a Happy one. πŸ™‚

  3. Those four letter words didn’t sit well with me either. Yikes. Thanks for the funnies!

  4. I have used the Rita line many times over the years:)

  5. LOVE Rita Rudner’s quote.

  6. susielindau says:

    These are hilarious!
    Have a wonderful weekend!

  7. Windsmoke. says:

    Bonza jokes indeed i especially like the Newly Weds and the Roseanne Bar one :-).

  8. Thank you for launching the weekend with laughter!

  9. malc50 says:

    πŸ™‚ Who’ll be our Qld Premier tomorrow, Mags? Cheers, Mal.

    • magsx2 says:

      Hi Mal,
      Yes it is finally here the big State election. I was just reading some of the comments in the Courier Mail of people that have just come back from voting, I love reading these, people get so heated sometimes, it always brings a smile to my face. πŸ™‚

      We pre-voted, we usually do, it is a lot easier when Hubby is never sure what shift he is going to be on. Going by what everyone is saying it sounds like Newman maybe the next Premier of Queensland, I think we may get a true idea of how things are going late this afternoon. At least it has stopped raining. πŸ˜€
      We have Council elections next month here in Brisbane as well, so more political ads coming no doubt.

  10. malc50 says:

    Yes Mags, money could have been saved by having State and Local Coucil Elections at the same time. Unfortunately, our political masters have little faith in the common voter, and think we would be too confused. Cheers, Mal.

  11. malc50 says:

    Sorry, “Coucil” should read “Council”.

  12. The Emu says:

    Like the Dietician one
    Always look forward to my Saturday morning jokes
    Cheers mate
    Aussie Emu

  13. elcampeador says:

    You’re a hoot, Mags. LOL.

  14. tempo says:

    Great jokes, better and better

  15. ~mimo~ says:

    Very good, great for a smile at the start of my weekend πŸ™‚ Thanks Mags!

  16. dearrosie says:

    Love the 4 letter words. And the wedding cake.

  17. jmgoyder says:

    That first one is very true!!!

  18. jakesprinter says:

    Great Mags .Lol ,,, 4 letter words are funny πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  19. πŸ˜† wedding cakes are the most dangerous ones πŸ™‚

  20. aFrankAngle says:

    Here I am on Saturday morning and you are closing in on Sunday! Thanks for the one-liners as I love ’em! Have a good Sunday!

  21. Stepping My Way to Bliss says:

    Great laughs, Mags! Have a fun weekend. ~~Bliss

  22. Rebekah says:

    all very funny, but the wedding cake was both surprising and cute πŸ˜†

  23. Doraz says:

    Laugh in life. It keeps you young. 😎

  24. El Guapo says:

    I will be sharing these with my wife!
    Thanks,Magsx2 – another great set.
    Hope you had a great weekend and the rain let up.

  25. ron says:

    LOL, excellent quotes.

  26. munchow says:

    It’s nice to round up this week with some good jokes. I had a good laugh. Unfortunately the 4-letter words are still being in effect in too many marriages today. As for the quotes, my favourite would be the one by Zsa Zsa Gabor. I definitely know one person I would never marry… Finally I would of course love to know what the food that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it, really is.

  27. Arindam says:

    Hi Mags,
    I love the first one . It was a real good one. Have a wonderful weekend Mags. πŸ™‚

  28. cestlavie22 says:

    Thanks for all the laughs!!!

  29. Fergiemoto says:

    Ha, ha, ha…those darn four-letter words! These are funny! The “water + earth = mud” is really creative.

  30. I sympathise with Elaine and completely understand that nurse.

    A few more quotes: Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off and it was so successful she turned it into a series. (Bob Hope)

    The trouble was, I went into marriage with both eyes closed – her father closed one and her brother closed the other. (Max Kauffmann)

    When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason – there’s a reason. (Molly McGee)

  31. Tony McGurk says:

    I especially loved the 1st one. Poor Elaine…

  32. Indira says:

    Very funny,nice way to start a week end,thanks.

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