Decoy/The Confessional (Weekend Jokes)

Decoy

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.  

At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.  After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.  Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.  The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” he exclaimed.
“No, it isn’t,” giggled the driver.  “I’m the designated decoy!”

Yes, this is a woman’s world.  When a man is born, the first question people ask is:  
How is the mother?  
When he marries, people say, what a lovely bride!  
And when he dies, they ask, How much did he leave her?

The Confessional

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

“I dunno….” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”